Warning: Rambling Ahead

A few weeks ago, I explained a bit about my new normal...the chaos that is life in the midst of separation and divorce.  With that, I probably should have included a warning...that posts would be few and far between, and likely...not always pretty.  Please consider yourself warned tonight, friends.  This one isn't going to be pretty.

So much of what happens in a divorce is just plain complicated.  There is no other accurate way to describe it.  Nothing you say about it or think about it is pretty.  It's all a mess.  Basically, things outside of God's will look disastrous.  I don't believe God intended for my marriage to fall dramatically to pieces.  I don't believe that He designed marriage to look like mine looks.  I believe that sin messes things up for us.  That's just the simple truth of it.  Period.

But I'm going to say this to all of you amazing people who don't have to go through what I'm going through and I hope you never do: people who are in the middle of a messy divorce?  We know how messy it is.  We know you feel awkward about it.  We feel awkward about it too.  See, right now, not only am I working through explaining this whole disaster to my children and my family...but the people who know feel like they need to protect me or step carefully around it...and the people who don't know (and there are just so many of those still) have no idea what to say when they find out.  Trust me.  I get your discomfort.  Completely.  I don't need you to say anything about it.  It's even ok to say, "Mindy. I don't even know what to say."  I'm going to respond with something like, "Neither do I.  It's totally ok.  We can absolutely change the subject."  Seriously.  Do it.  I'm not trying to protect you.  I'm not trying to be strong.  I don't want to hash out the details 400 times a day any more than you actually want to know them (and trust me. You don't.  Frankly, I don't either.).  I absolutely appreciate your concern.  I know you know about the situation, and that you've had conversations with other friends, because you never thought this would happen to me.  I'm fine with your conversations.  I don't feel weird about it...because you know what?  I've had those conversations regarding my friends who have been through this too.  And I never thought this would happen to me either.  So far from what I expected from my life.  So. Very.  Far.

To clear things up, yes.  I'm a mess.  Yes, my children are struggling through this transition.  Some days are definitely better than others.  Some are much, much worse.  If you as me if I'm ok right now...I might put on a smiley face and tell you, yes, things are fine.  It might or might not be a lie.  Please don't press me about it though, OK?  If I tear up and my voice shakes, and I tell you I'm fine...let it go.  I will talk to you when I need to.  If I tell you I don't need anything, or I don't accept your offer to take my kids or come to your house or go out to dinner...I'm not trying to shove you out of my life or be ungrateful...I'm doing the best that I can...and right then, I need to do what I'm doing.  If I lock myself up in my room writing blog entries I never post or watching movies to shut out the world or making lists and working out budgets and writing long-term goals and short term plans...it is what I can do right at that moment.  I'll say it again: when I need you, I will seek you out.  I promise. Right now...I might not be able to do that.  I know I'm not an island.  But this moment...I have to figure out how to do this.

I fully trust that God is with me.  I know that he will make all things work together for good in every circumstance.  I know that things will come together.  Today...I'm tired.  Things are not ok.  And I'd love to just sleep.  For a long time.

I'm going to go run on the treadmill for as long as I can.  And tomorrow I'm going to get up and maybe do it again.  Then eat animal crackers dredged through buttercream.

Fitness

Back on my spaces blog...I went through the first round of P90X very publicly last March, April and May...well, with all of you who were my readers then (so the five of you who follow my blog probably started there and followed me here...hehe), and I charted progress or how I felt with the program.  It's been a while since I posted anything about that journey.  It became routine and habit...and that could make it look like I fell off the wagon, or got bored with it...that is so far from what actually happened (and if you're a facebook friend too...hehe...then you know otherwise).  I started blogging about my fitness journey over on my teambeachbody.com account...so as not to bore all of you with the process here, and slammed through a second round of P90X, a round of Insanity, and a month of TurboFire.  And this afternoon, as I wrote my entry there...I realized how big of a deal the last nine months have been to me...and why.  I decided to include this post here today as well.  Please understand my heart in this entry...it is not about me bragging about where I am.  It's not about me trying to sell product.  It is simply about...where I am on the journey.  I'm so happy with where I'm at, and that seems like a really big deal, considering where I've been in the past.  There have been times where my weight and my nutrition and my fitness...were literally all I could think about.  It consumed me in a way that was unhealthy and frustrating and made me miserable daily.  That is so different now.  In this process there has been discouragement and soreness and way too much thinking about food intake and exercise and how it fit into my life...but I've fallen into a rhythm with it.  It took probably the first six months to get there.  But like any habit...it takes time to develop and relax into.  It feels good, friends.  It's worth the effort.  This is why:

"Three weeks of Insanity/TurboFire Hybrid under my belt, and I'm 3 days into a recovery week.  About two weeks ago, I talked to my coach about being constantly tired, always hungry, cold all the time...and we discussed the possibility that I may have been overtraining.  I cut the doubles workouts last week (adding a short cardio (running, eliptical) to my resistance days), and added a 200 calorie snack to the day.  Energy back, able to make it through a day...but...the craziness of my schedule forced me to miss a couple of workouts...and now I'm feeling a bit like a lug. The interesting thing about this happening is that this year...it's different.  It happens every year...I get to a point where things are just so nuts...I let go of the routine for a few days, never to return to it.  

Enter Beachbody. 

Know what I love about what I'm doing with my workouts right now?  Hmm.  Everything.  

My body is not dramatically changing at the moment.  I'm not working to change it.  I'm kind of on a maintenance schedule where it comes to what I want my body to LOOK like.  What I'm finding, however, is that my endurance is through the roof compared to what it was.  My overall fitness level is so much different.  I am toned.  Fit.  Healthy.  I don't get winded running from my car to the front of a store, and I park far away on purpose.  It doesn't phase me to carry four loads of laundry in a tote from the basement to my bedroom without stopping.  No cottage cheese on the backs of my thighs or my bottom.  When I clap...my arms don't jiggle.  The thought of a bikini (other than my ghostly skin tone) does not terrify me whatsoever.  And the thing is...I'm not being anywhere near as careful about my nutrition as I was during my first couple of rounds...and I know that if I kicked back into gear in that arena...I would lose the last stubborn layer of skin/fat that remains around my abs.  It's Christmas, folks.  Within reason, I am eating what I want.  When the candies and cookies and cakes aren't around, I won't be eating them.  And right now...I plan them in.  I know they're not going to help me sculpt abs, but frankly...I'm choosing to be ok with that for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  And for the first time in maybe my entire adult life...I have not gained one ounce between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I'm exactly the same weight I've been for about 2 months, give or take a few ounces depending on the day.  I haven't even really thought about it.  I knew...I am working hard enough that I don't have to.  And I'm loving every workout.  And there is never a question as to whether I'm going to do it....I am.  Or if this is just a phase...it's not.  Or if I'm going to fall off the wagon this week or next month...I won't.  I feel...like a million bucks.

With this Hybrid...there is one thing I have added...I'm working through a push-up challenge.  Six weeks till I can do 100 push-ups in a row...all at once.  A whole training regiment.  I'm at Week 3, Day 1 as of today (hundredpushups.com) and I'm maxing out at 39.  :)  This makes me happy. My chest and shoulders and back HURT...and my legs hurt from yesterday's Cardio Core and Balance...but it's so worth it.  And TurboFire's Core 20/Stretch 40 felt awesome this morning. I am enjoying my recovery week this week before Christmas...pretty excellent how that worked out. :)

I love this part of my life.  I love the way being healthy feels.  I love that...I never worry about this anymore.  For the first time in my life, I don't sit in too-tight pants feeling guilty about the meal on which i just gorged myself (because I didn't gorge.  And because my jeans actually fit all the time).  I don't lay in bed at night regretting my food choices from that day.  I don't worry that I won't be able to find anything in my closet that fits.  I thought  of my weight and my food and my exercise as being just one more stressful thing to think about when I wasn't healthy...but...now that it's under control, I suddenly realize how huge it was.  And to not worry about that leaves room for focus on so many other important things..."

Friends...if you need somewhere to start with health and nutrition and fitness...it's the perfect time to do that.  I used to resolve every New Year that I was going to get into better shape.  Lose weight.  Eat right.  Feel better.  But this year...could be your year.  I hope you feel like I do already.  If you do...or if you've never worried about your weight or health...I am so glad for you.  But I'd love to talk to you about it...if you're more like I was.  I wouldn't trade how I feel right now for just about anything. And I know that life isn't all about being in shape or how you feel about your body...believe me, I know this...but I also know how feeling great has changed how I look at every single day.  It's a pretty fantastic place to start the morning.

Just Ridiculous

The most ridiculous things happen to me.

I know, I know, they happen to you too.  They happen to all of us.  But seriously...when I tell people the things that happen to me, they stare blankly.  Because they're ridiculous.  Utterly ridiculous.

I had a car accident about a week and a half ago, on 12/2.  The blame lies totally on me.  Bryson and I had ordered a pizza while the girls went to lunch with their youth pastor, and we went to pick it up.  I had lazily pulled into Mom and Dad's driveway the night before rather than spending the time backing it in so that I could quickly (and safely) pull out in the morning...mistake #1.  As I backed out of the driveway, I did my usual glance-over-my-shoulders-after-stopping-before-the-sidewalk-for-fear-of-backing-over-a-pedestrian-with-his-dog, then glanced over to make sure Bryson had his seatbelt on, and continued over that shoulder as well...and seeing nothing, backed into the eastbound lane...I heard something crash, looked in the rearview mirror, and all I could think was that I'd hit the garbage can at the end of the driveway, which made no sense...when I looked up, I realized we were no longer in the driveway, but were facing westbound in the eastbound lane, and I heard another crash.  Looking into my rearview mirror again, I noticed that my back window was gone, and there was an SUV on it's roof behind my van.  I jumped out of the car, absolutely shocked, and for a moment...stood there, with no understanding of what had actually happened.  Bryson jumped out of his seat, and ran into the house to get my dad to call 911--Dad had heard the crash and was already on the phone.  I couldn't make sense of the car on it's roof--which side was which--and could only see the deployed side air bags through the windows.  A passer-by with his wits about him helped the woman out of the vehicle, and she really seemed to be basically fine (though we wouldn't let her stand up until the ambulance got there)...you know, other than the fact that her vehicle had flipped from it's tires to it's top in a matter of 20 feet...

I never even saw her.  And I looked.  I hit her rear passenger side door--she drove a Nissan Pathfinder.  She didn't swerve, didn't slam on her brakes, didn't blow her horn...nothing.  I hit her, her car sort of swerved just barely over the double yellow, and it flipped over and slid on it's top.  When all was said and done, it smashed out my rear window, crushed the passenger side back corner, and crumpled my back bumper.  They life-flighted the other driver to Sayre, and she wound up with glass in her eyes and a headache.  I got a ticket for failure to yield in a roadway...the paper reported it as "unsafe driving" (of course, they also called me Melinda Frazer, and said I was driving a station wagon...but whatever...then they splashed a picture of it with the article on the front page of the Leader. Good grief.).  I stood watching everything get cleaned up and taken care of, talking to the policeman, watching them flip the car back over...in absolute disbelief.  I have no idea how it happened.  No idea what I could have done differently.  Looked longer?  Looked again?  Backed up more slowly to get across two lanes of road?  Left 2 minutes sooner?  Not ordered pizza?  The whole thing is surreal.  Crazy.  Ridiculous.

What I know isn't ridiculous?  That my girls were with Pastor Rachel, and not in the back seats.  That none of the airbags went off.  That the van wasn't totalled.  That I didn't pull out even 2 seconds sooner...when Bryson's side of the van would have received a direct hit...possibly killing him.  Those facts aren't ridiculous.  Our vehicles have high deductibles, but full coverage, which includes towing and rental cars. I hit her before I even really started moving, and she received minimal injuries, from what I understand.  It could have been so much worse.

Will I be so glad when 2010 ends, and this is all over?  Maybe.  Do I think it doesn't matter what year it is...ridiculous things just seem to happen to me?  *Snicker*  Yes.  But something else I know...I know that even amidst all of the crappiness of the past several months...I have so little about which to complain.  I am alive.  Loved.  Fortunate.  Blessed.  The ridiculous may surround me...but so does my Protector.  I may continually fall into places of despair...but not without the company of my Provider.  I might be confused and frustrated and beside myself...but not without the full knowledge and attention of the Peace-Giver.  More to come in 2011?  Bring it on.

Simple Woman's Daybook, Dec. 6, 2010

Outside my window...the sky is spitting snowflakes, and it's just covering the sidewalks and roadways...i keep waiting to hear we'll get measurable snowfall...it will come.

I am thinking...about how quickly my babies are becoming...not so much babies.

 
I am thankful for... hehe...the internet.

 
I am wearing...an amethyst, hooded, big-buttoned sweater, a slightly lighter purple, long-sleeved t-shirt, dark boot-cut jeans, warm socks.

  
I am remembering...how much i love Christmas music...but also that last year, i said i needed to find new Christmas music...and how...there really isn't new Christmas music.

I am creating...a Christmas wishlist. i am not good at wishlists.

I am going...to rent a car. 

I am reading...The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. still. has to be read by Friday!! 5 chapters to go.

 
I am hoping...for snow. lots of it.

 
On my mind...love. and whether or not i do it well.

From the learning rooms...lessons on the brain, the fall of the Roman Empire, the spread of Christianity, a focus on times tables and general math facts, Christmas crafting.

Noticing that...decorating for Christmas totally sets the tone for the season for me. decorating my parents' house for Christmas...makes me long for my own place to decorate.

 
From the kitchen...absolutely nothing. recovering from a weekend of 2 extravagant cakes, 4 dozen elegant cupcakes, and 72 cheesecake truffles.

Around the house...it's beginning to look like Christmas.

One of my favorite things...being surrounded by family and people i love.

 
Praying for...peace. still.

A verse to share...So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son. John 1:14

A lyric or two... 

Love is not proud

Love does not boast

Love after all

Matters the most

Love does not run

Love does not hide

Love does not keep locked in side

Love is the river that flows through

Love never fails you

Love will sustain

Love will provide

Love will not cease at the end of time

Love will protect

Love always hopes

Love still believes when you don't

Love is the arms that are holding you

Love never fails you

When my heart won't make a sound

When i can't turn back around

When the sky is falling down

Nothing is greater than this

Greater than this

Love is right here

Love is alive

Love is the way, the truth, the life

Love is the river that flows through

Love is the arms that are holding you

Love is the place you will fly to

Love never fails you

Brandon Heath "Love Never Fails"

A few plans for the week....picking up our angel tree gift, going for ice cream with my friend, picking up my rental car, hoping the insurance figures itself out, starting Christmas shopping, hanging out with my sister-friends, without kids, for a night of our favorite high school movies, pizzas-the-kids-wouldn't-eat, and conversation...

Too much

I am grateful.  For a refrigerator with too much food.  For a house that's too big.  Couches that are too comfortable.  Dogs that are too excited to see us.  Kids that are too creative.  Family that's too close.   Too many dogs.  Too many pies.  Too many kids.  Too many leftovers.  Too many pillows and blankets all over the house.  Too many dress-up clothes, too many legos chewed up by the dogs, too many stage props for the annual Thanksgiving play, too much laundry to catch up on.  Too many options of things to get the kids for Christmas.  Too many choices when picking what we're going to have for lunch.  Too many restaurants to choose from for an evening out.

I am thankful for too much...and realize...that we have it.  Even in the midst of chaos and confusion and day-to-day annoyances.  What a blessing to have more than enough...and to have the privilege of taking it so for granted.  For one day...this day...I will not.

Rules for Five Question Friday:  Copy and paste the following questions into a blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky and link up! 

1.  What is your favorite part of a Thanksgiving meal?
Being with everyone I love. And, umm, hello, turkey??!


2.  Are you a host or a guest for Thanksgiving this year
I was kind of both...we celebrated the actual meal with my dad's 47-strong extended family, and then desserts with the 16 of us here at my parents...and since I'm living here...that kind of makes me a partial host, right?


3.  When you think of one Thanksgiving tradition, what comes to mind?
Standing in the kitchen with my mom and giggling as we bake and cook and lose our minds for at least 24 hours.  

4.  You have two pieces of pie in front of you and you HAVE to eat one...do you choose pumpkin or pecan?
Pecan!!  No contest.

5. There was no #5 on my link...LOL

Outside my window...gloomy, but warm, with raindrops currently falling. 60 on November 23? wow.

I am thinking...that i'm grateful for the warmth...it could be -10.  it's not.

 
I am thankful for... Christmas music and the scent of "mystery pecan pie" candle floating through my house.

 
I am wearing...an olive green cardigan, white fitted tank, and comfy jeans (with thick, wool socks)

  
I am remembering...Thanksgivings past...and how different this year will be.

I am creating...a plan of attack for tomorrow's baking madness.

I am going...to enjoy every moment with my family on Thursday.

I am reading...The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

 
I am hoping...i find more motivation today at some point, and that i'm over my cold by the time everyone gets here.

 
On my mind...my babies' hearts.

From the learning rooms...lessons on long bones, the names of the bones of the skeleton, early Christianity and martyrdom, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in anticipation of the movie, division by two digit numbers, and massive review for Bryson, every increasing vocabulary lists, latin words.

Noticing that...my attitude completely determines what the day looks like.

 
From the kitchen...plans for two birthday cakes, a pecan pie, sweet potato casserole, a turkey for the day after Thanksgiving, and crazy dessert ideas for the youth group's Elegant Dessert Auction next weekend.

Around the house...there are 5 dogs in this house. the house always looks like there are 5 dogs. and the rest of it looks like we plunked ourselves down here and...all of our stuff blew up. my poor parents.

One of my favorite things...planning for holiday crafts with my kids and nieces and nephews. splurging on all of my favorite foods.

 
Praying for...peace.

A verse to share..."You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

 

A lyric or two... 

Trust You, Brandon Heath

I can't walk without watching where I'm going

I can't speak without knowing what to say

I can't love and have any hesitation

Cause I know that you don't work that way

I can't reach without something to offer

I can't come now I'm so ashamed

I can't hold out from you any longer

Cause I know that you don't work that way

I'm not going to fight you anymore

Not gonna try to lock the door

You took your life and gave me yours

There's no reason why

I shouldn't trust you with mine

It's never easy changing my direction

It's so unnatural to loosen up my grip

Are you growing weary of all my good intentions

Cause I know you don't work that way

I'm not going to fight you anymore

Not gonna try to lock the door

You took your life and gave me yours

There's no reason why

I shouldn't trust you with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulder is my shame

I know I should know better cause you say

That I must now surrender

There's no other way

A few plans for the week...umm, it's Thanksgiving week, people. what do you think??  the kids spend Friday and Saturday with their dad...so...think of me if you would...those are hard days.

Something New

So how do people actually respond when they go through life-change like divorce??  

Well, from what I've watched in my limited experience with people who have divorced, some people do something that's just about them: get in great shape.  Diet.  Become vegetarian.  Some change their lives completely.  New job, new city, new house, new car.  Some get a tattoo.  Take a vacation.  Hole up in their bedroom for weeks or months and cry.  Party and drink irresponsibly.  Date people who are exactly the opposite of their former spouse.  Some even function just like normal with absolute stability until everyone is taken care of and transitioned and adjusted, then fall dramatically to pieces.  

Me? 

Yeah.  I'm learning to play chess.  I mean, seriously...I have all this time on my hands in the evenings when I'm not sleeping...why not do something useful?  And...since I have to teach the kids how to play this spring as part of our Rome to the Reformation curriculum, I should probably know something about strategy, right?  

I just need to find someone who will play in the middle of the night...

Simple Woman's Daybook, Nov. 16, 2010

FOR TODAY, November 16th, 2010

Outside my window...New York can't decide what season to be.  

I am thinking...about how sometimes...I'd like a vacation all by myself to someplace absolutely beautiful.

I am thankful for...the acceptance and love of amazing people.  

From the learning rooms...Paul's missionary trips, the skeleton, multiplication and division facts, order of operations, descriptive paragraphs, stories, stories, stories...

From the kitchen...A crockpot meal for mom and dad while we have Vegetable Beef Stew and Crusty Bread with my dear cousin's family...oh, and fresh chocolate chip cookies made by the kids and Ompy last night while Mom and I partied with a whole bunch of ladies over Pampered Chef catalog items.

I am wearing...An orange, v-neck, thin cotton cable-knit sweater, layered over a white tank with my favorite, way-too-big light wash jeans.  Oh, and fuschia ballet flats. :)

I am creating...A business plan.  Still.

I am reading...blogs. And impatiently awaiting a couple of new books from paperbackbookswap.com

I am praying...for grace. And peace.

I am hearing...Lainie's feet dancing in her bedroom above me, Bryson talking in my ear, Reasa clicking her story on the keyboard, a little Maroon 5 to start the day.

Around the house...the constant struggle to keep my parents' house from looking like we moved in and took over.  Sometimes we succeed...but not right now.

One of my favorite things...unconditional love. 

A few plans for the rest of the week...Horse lesson, play date, a cake tomorrow, gymnastics, youth group, a long overdue haircut, the girls first major youth group outing, a date night with Bryson, a laid-back weekend...

Holding On

Today I stood under an apple tree, blinded by the sunshine at my great-Aunt Jean's committal service.  Last Friday, while driving to visit her son, Mark, for his daughter's birthday, Jean's car swerved off the highway and into a tree, killing her instantly.  She was 58.  Two hours later, I drove past the line of Fire Trucks and emergency vehicles on the side of the road, noticing the car in the brush, but, of course, making no connection with the vehicle itself.  It wasn't until hours later that I realized that accident...was her accident.  She leaves behind a husband, 4 adult children, 5 grandbabies, one on the way, and a lifetime full of people whose lives she touched.  As a mother, a wife, an Aunt, a sister, a hair stylist, a friend...her influence was profound.  She lived her life well, and the completely packed church spoke to that fact.  The words spoken about her life, the message shared by her pastor, the readings and messages and songs from her children all related the hope that she had for her future and that she had given to so many others throughout her life.  An amazing woman.

I stood next to another amazing woman at the committal, though.  I stood next to my mother.  And as I listened to Katie, Aunt Jean's youngest, break down, literally sobbing for her Mommy as the pastor prayed, I wrapped my arms around my own Mommy...and wept.  How often have I stood next to her and giggled about something the kids were doing or baked a pie or cleaned up from a meal with not even the most remote thought of how priceless she is?  And, as Katie and Becky and Heather and Mark grieved...it struck me that I could just as easily be sitting where they were.  That without a moment's notice, she could be gone.  And there would be nothing I could do to change the way I've spent the time I've had with her...no opportunity to go back and spend more time, love more...love better.  So I stood there and I didn't let go.  This woman who has had the absolute most human influence in my life...I can't imagine letting her go.

Holding on.  I plan to do more of it.  Of the Mother I cherish, and of the children I can't imagine not watching grow up.

Simple Woman's Daybook, Tuesday, Nov. 9

Outside my window...gloomy and grey...but a little bit warmer than yesterday? (I think we're supposed to hit 48)

I am thinking...about how much shorter my to-do lists have been lately.

I am thankful for... the generosity, grace, and faithfulness of my family.

I am wearing...an orange, v-neck sweater and skinnyish jeans.

 
I am remembering... how simple things were 20 years ago. even though I thought they were SO complex.

I am creating...a business plan.  Sort of.

I am going... to learn to be independent again.

I am reading... blogs. at the moment, that's it.  currently waiting on new books.

I am hoping... that I don't catch the cold my children seem to be coming down with.

On my mind... my babies' hearts.

From the learning rooms...  diagrams of the eye, history of the early church, multiplying fractions, 2's and 3's times tables, writing descriptive paragraphs.

Noticing that... it's much easier to sit and think than to get up and get moving and accomplish anything productive.

From the kitchen... a meal plan I actually wrote down and am following, a collaboration of efforts from Mom and me...although she needs to stop with the delectable desserts or I might have to smack her.

Around the house... trying to keep our stuff from taking over...I'd like to think we could live here without it looking like we live here...but...hehe...there's 4 of us and a dog.  not so much going to happen.

One of my favorite things... routine. (agreed, K)

Praying for... wisdom. peace. strength.

A verse to share...Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the patterns of this world. Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is: his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

A few plans for the week... Reasa's first horse lesson at her new barn today, Lainie's try-out at her potential new gym tomorrow night, a trip to the Y to get Bryson established with something, Lainie's last meet for Dynamats (and the first of her competitive season) in Carlisle on Sunday, regular school schedule, figuring out our routine here...

Blogging

I'm blogging.  I make no promises regarding this post...none at all.  Blogging has taken a back seat to the rest of my life over the past three months.  For those of you who have been chomping at the bit (HA) waiting for a post, I apologize.  Truly.  Today is about biting the bullet and getting it out there...no more putting it off.

In the past, I blogged to remember things I didn't want to forget.  To leave something behind to commemorate what had happened in our lives...primarily because typing happens so much more quickly than writing.  My journals went by the wayside when babies came along (and really before that, because life turned into teaching and living...as it should have.)...so...I blogged to keep track of what kept happening in life, despite my lack of time to physically write it down.  When things have gone crazy, I have slacked on my blog, but...I have always come back to it.  Blogging has been a respite...a place to find my sanity as I babbled through it.

Such has not been the case over the past three months.  I have six or seven 2- or 3-sentence-long posts in drafts that sat completely untouched in that amount of time.  That's all I could come up with.

See, even in the past when things have been tough, I have wanted to remember that we made it through them.  I have wanted to tell, even without detail, that we were making it.  That God had provided for our needs.  That through whatever garbage we struggled, we had struggled through.  And it's not that we're not making it through it right now...we are...it's just...so much.  More than I've wanted to share.  More than I've wanted to admit.  More than I've wanted to blog.  I'm really still there, to be honest, but...here I am.

In three to four months, the divorce will be finalized.  The past three months have brought us to that point.  The kids and I moved in with my parents while we make the transition, and we'll find our own place, hopefully within a few months.  We haven't worked out all the details...they're all a bit overwhelming at this point...but we're getting there.  That has become my very least favorite statement in the world over the past year or two:  "We'll get there."  If I never hear it or say it again...I'll be fine with that.

If you pray, please pray with me.  For peace and comfort for my children who didn't see this coming, and don't know what to do with it.  For wisdom and protection for Seth and me as we figure it out.

I want to blog more consistently...I should just caution you...it may not be fun reading.  It probably won't be fun writing.

Biting the Bullet

Here's the thing.  It's been a month since I last posted.  I have to write something.  Not because anybody else needs to hear anything from me, because, frankly...I have nothing earth shattering to say...but because...I have to do it.  The thing is, it's not so much mental block as it is...stubborn refusal to sit down and write something coherent.  So, instead of focusing on coherency, I'm going to focus, once again, on newsy.

I am on Day 21 of my Insanity workout schedule.  I thought P90X was tough.  Then I did it again and I though it was tough the second time.  Insanity is...insane.  And I absolutely love it.  I wake up every morning terrified that I may not make it through the workout, and I push play, and I push through it.  And I get to the end of it and seriously smile.  I amaze myself every single morning.  Now, some of you may have done Insanity...if it wasn't a big deal for you, then I applaud you.  This workout is simply the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I love that.  By the calendar, day 21 means a rest day for me...I just can't seem to bring myself to rest. I ran 3 10-minute miles today...not 10:21 miles, not 10:43 miles. Ten Minute Miles.  Three of them.  In a row without stopping.  I have never run that fast in my life.  Crazy.

Also...I signed up as a  Beachbody coach in August.  I absolutely love the Beachbody programs (P90X, Insanity, Slim in Six, ChaLean Extreme, Turbofire, Turbojam, Hip Hop Abs, Rev Abs, etc.), and the opportunity to help people along on their journeys if I can. So. If you're looking for a challenging workout, or for some encouragement as you lose weight or start a workout program, check me out at my beachbody website...

We begin our fourth week of school this week.  The kids make good progress each day, they're definitely learning new things.  Our curriculum focuses on history from Rome to the Reformation, with studies about the human body, adventures in Latin and English vocabulary, all sorts of math principles, further studies in perspective and drawing and art appreciation, and so on.  We face different challenges this year based upon the kids' ability levels and interests...I keep watching in awe as the girls grow more and more different...as their interests mature and change...though they still do twinnie things, they have such different personalities and likes and dislikes.  And Bryson...is such a boy.  Oh...Bryson...he broke his arm on August 29 (he decided he would be spiderman and lose his grip on one of his trips up the hallway walls...tiny greenstick fracture through the growth plate on his right radius), so that has made for an interesting beginning to the year.  Printing skills have taken a serious dive as he spent the three weeks of school basically not able to write...we'll be glad when the cast comes off on Tuesday.

Want to talk about a pressing social issue??  How about healthcare costs?  How about the $2000 in bills we've received for that broken arm??  Sigh. I wish I had a job where I could have someone walk into my office, talk to them intelligently and look at their paperwork for 4.5 minutes, and charge them $700 for my time.  Seriously.

I know.

I know exactly how she feels right now.  Exactly.  I remember the thoughts that went through my head as I lay on my bed, sobbing into my pillow.

He is so mean.  He's trying to ruin my life.  He doesn't want me to have any friends.  That way, he doesn't have to worry about where I am or what I'm doing or who my friends are, he can be in complete control of everything I do, every second of the day.  He wants me to be miserable.  He likes when I get in trouble.  And why did I get in trouble?  What was I doing that was so wrong?  I'll bet (fill-in-the-blank-friend's-name)'s parents don't tell her she has an attitude all the time.  This is so stupid.  I hate my life!!


Hot tears.  Angry words.  The injustice.

Sigh.

If I had a dollar for every time that rant went through my head when my dad disciplined me for something I had done or took something important away from me as a result of my actions...gosh, I'd have a lot of dollars.  Not that those dollars would do me a lot of good right now.  While my baby girl lies on her bed.  Sobbing.  Occasionally punctuating those sobs with, "I hate my life!"

What I didn't realize as a kid was the depth of pain my dad felt when he actually had to follow through on the discipline he threatened.  That proverbial "this hurts me more than it hurts you" (to which I always responded under my breath, "yeah, right.").  Tonight, Reasa's attitude about helping clean her room (displayed by slamming her boots onto the floor as she took them off) resulted in the threat, "If I see one more display of your lousy attitude tonight, Reasa, I will call Taylor's mom and tell her she can't come over tonight."  The most unfortunate part of the situation is how desperately Reasa wants Taylor to be here tonight.  Actually, maybe the most unfortunate part is how miserable Reasa's attitude toward me and Seth has been lately.  I really thought her desperate desire to have Taylor here would outweigh her miserable attitude toward (well, especially) me lately (since Seth wasn't home yet).  

I was wrong.

So, 40 minutes later, as I cleaned the kitchen (because that's what I do when I get worked up: I clean), thinking about what I needed to say with her as follow-through to my text to Taylor's mom, can I think of anything brilliant to say to her?  Nope.  Because all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and cry right along with her.  I despise having to follow through on threats.  It would be so much easier to say, "It's ok, honey. I changed my mind. Just don't let it happen again."  I know in my head that doing what I said I would do will make her think the next time she considers sassing me, or pushing it just a little bit farther, or slamming the milk down on the table just a little harder than it needs to be slammed...but oh, my heart in the meantime.  And hers as well.  The thought of her laying there, thinking of me as mean, or unjust, or controlling absolutely breaks my heart.  But not more than the thought of her seeing me as inconsistent or irrelevant or anything less than an example of the mother she someday hopes to be.  She can't see any of those things right now.  But I hope she can eventually.

Probably while she's standing in her kitchen wiping syrup off the table while her daughter sobs in her own bedroom.

Shaking my head

Today we will do something I knew would happen.  I will admit I expected it would happen sooner than this...but...it sort of did. ;)

Today, the girls become roommates again.

While searching for houses last summer the girls absolutely insisted that they wanted their own bedrooms.  They understood early in the process that if we could only find a house with three bedrooms that fit our budget, they would have to room together, but we did look for four bedrooms with their request in mind.  It just so happened that the house we fell in love with (both of them, actually) had 4 bedrooms, and the second had 4 bedrooms and enough space for a classroom.  The girls got their wish.  And thoroughly enjoyed personalizing their own spaces for the first time.  Reasa couldn't wait to have her room always neat and tidy...just the way she likes it.  Lainie anticipated loud music, walls plastered with her designs, and bright colors.  For the first few months, all was well with their world.

Sometime mid-winter, Lainie decided...maybe the basement wasn't her favorite place to be.  It is far away from the rest of the bedrooms (and secretly, this has always bugged me--hence the telephone at the head of her bed, and the cell phone under my pillow every night).  Basement noises "creep you out."  Yucky spiders (or freaky other bugs) sometimes hide in your bedroom.  Having overnight guests in your room (even if said guest is your brother or sister) is more difficult on even a carpeted floor in the basement.  And frankly, being alone?  Not all it's cracked up to be.  It's lonely and boring having your own bedroom.  Sleepovers in Bryson and Reasa's rooms became common occurrences.  The occasional "fort night" in the family room suddenly wasn't so occasional.  Despite the desire to have their own spaces and express their own personalities on their own...the girls really missed each other.

"I told you so" seems appropriate here.  :)  But in the best possible way.

I love that my girls love each other enough to give up their own space and their own things and their own little bit of comfort to be together.  I love that most of the time when they have slept together, they have begged Bryson to join them.  This summer has been one big sleepover...I can't remember the last time each of them slept in his or her own bed.  Even in Reasa's room, she's usually on the floor to accommodate one of the other two ("Lainie needs a good night's sleep tonight because she has gymnastics early in the morning.")(even on days when she had swimming on that same morning).

So, today, Seth is taking apart beds, reassembling them into their bunk bed form, we're sorting out clothing and closets, deciding what will stay downstairs and where desks will end up (Lainie is giving hers to Bryson, since both of the girls technically have two right now, and Lainie never uses the one in her bedroom), and we're repurposing bookshelves.  And tonight, my kids will sleep where I like them sleeping...all on the same floor as me and on mattresses.  Maybe.  We'll see were Bryson ends up tonight.  :)

Simple Woman's Daybook, July 6, 2010

Outside my window...it is already 93, with the promise of about 96.  These are the days I can't explain how grateful I am for air conditioning.

I am thinking... that my parents should live much closer. and be here much more often.

I am thankful for... weekends which allow me to mellow, and sleep, and work out, and watch my children, and sit/swim/lay/read in the sun.

I am wearing... a dark brown bloused t-shirty-type-thing, khaki shorts.  eventually to be replaced by a swimsuit. :)

I am remembering... how different last fouth of July weekend felt...and so thankful to be settled and in less turmoil.

I am creating... forever memories.

I am going... to put my children to bed for naps in 14 minutes. 

I am reading... Rendezvous with Rama.

I am hoping...  to accomplish much this week. and finally find a routine for the summer. 

On my mind... opportunities and responsibilities.

From the learning rooms...  a relative amount of order...with (ahem) a tiny bit of chaos.  summer reading program in full swing. mostly.

Noticing that... the more time my children spend outside when it's 98, the more quickly they fall asleep at night. no matter where they sleep.

From the kitchen... yesterday, determined that i will never make shortcake again. cake with no oil. that's the way to go. started out as a mistake...didn't end that way. :)

Around the house... the girls are "judging" a "fashion show" on yoville. bryson is sulking about the nap. and the house...will wait until naptime to be tackled. it needs tackling

One of my favorite things... the smell of real vanilla throughout my house.

Praying for... answers. 

A few plans for the week... two swim meets, a horse lesson, gumpaste calla lilies, gerber daisies, and hydrangeas to begin for two cakes due in two weeks...

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