I know exactly how she feels right now. Exactly. I remember the thoughts that went through my head as I lay on my bed, sobbing into my pillow.
He is so mean. He's trying to ruin my life. He doesn't want me to have any friends. That way, he doesn't have to worry about where I am or what I'm doing or who my friends are, he can be in complete control of everything I do, every second of the day. He wants me to be miserable. He likes when I get in trouble. And why did I get in trouble? What was I doing that was so wrong? I'll bet (fill-in-the-blank-friend's-name)'s parents don't tell her she has an attitude all the time. This is so stupid. I hate my life!!
Hot tears. Angry words. The injustice.
Sigh.
If I had a dollar for every time that rant went through my head when my dad disciplined me for something I had done or took something important away from me as a result of my actions...gosh, I'd have a lot of dollars. Not that those dollars would do me a lot of good right now. While my baby girl lies on her bed. Sobbing. Occasionally punctuating those sobs with, "I hate my life!"
What I didn't realize as a kid was the depth of pain my dad felt when he actually had to follow through on the discipline he threatened. That proverbial "this hurts me more than it hurts you" (to which I always responded under my breath, "yeah, right."). Tonight, Reasa's attitude about helping clean her room (displayed by slamming her boots onto the floor as she took them off) resulted in the threat, "If I see one more display of your lousy attitude tonight, Reasa, I will call Taylor's mom and tell her she can't come over tonight." The most unfortunate part of the situation is how desperately Reasa wants Taylor to be here tonight. Actually, maybe the most unfortunate part is how miserable Reasa's attitude toward me and Seth has been lately. I really thought her desperate desire to have Taylor here would outweigh her miserable attitude toward (well, especially) me lately (since Seth wasn't home yet).
I was wrong.
So, 40 minutes later, as I cleaned the kitchen (because that's what I do when I get worked up: I clean), thinking about what I needed to say with her as follow-through to my text to Taylor's mom, can I think of anything brilliant to say to her? Nope. Because all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and cry right along with her. I despise having to follow through on threats. It would be so much easier to say, "It's ok, honey. I changed my mind. Just don't let it happen again." I know in my head that doing what I said I would do will make her think the next time she considers sassing me, or pushing it just a little bit farther, or slamming the milk down on the table just a little harder than it needs to be slammed...but oh, my heart in the meantime. And hers as well. The thought of her laying there, thinking of me as mean, or unjust, or controlling absolutely breaks my heart. But not more than the thought of her seeing me as inconsistent or irrelevant or anything less than an example of the mother she someday hopes to be. She can't see any of those things right now. But I hope she can eventually.
Probably while she's standing in her kitchen wiping syrup off the table while her daughter sobs in her own bedroom.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Shaking my head
Today we will do something I knew would happen. I will admit I expected it would happen sooner than this...but...it sort of did. ;)
Today, the girls become roommates again.
While searching for houses last summer the girls absolutely insisted that they wanted their own bedrooms. They understood early in the process that if we could only find a house with three bedrooms that fit our budget, they would have to room together, but we did look for four bedrooms with their request in mind. It just so happened that the house we fell in love with (both of them, actually) had 4 bedrooms, and the second had 4 bedrooms and enough space for a classroom. The girls got their wish. And thoroughly enjoyed personalizing their own spaces for the first time. Reasa couldn't wait to have her room always neat and tidy...just the way she likes it. Lainie anticipated loud music, walls plastered with her designs, and bright colors. For the first few months, all was well with their world.
Sometime mid-winter, Lainie decided...maybe the basement wasn't her favorite place to be. It is far away from the rest of the bedrooms (and secretly, this has always bugged me--hence the telephone at the head of her bed, and the cell phone under my pillow every night). Basement noises "creep you out." Yucky spiders (or freaky other bugs) sometimes hide in your bedroom. Having overnight guests in your room (even if said guest is your brother or sister) is more difficult on even a carpeted floor in the basement. And frankly, being alone? Not all it's cracked up to be. It's lonely and boring having your own bedroom. Sleepovers in Bryson and Reasa's rooms became common occurrences. The occasional "fort night" in the family room suddenly wasn't so occasional. Despite the desire to have their own spaces and express their own personalities on their own...the girls really missed each other.
"I told you so" seems appropriate here. :) But in the best possible way.
I love that my girls love each other enough to give up their own space and their own things and their own little bit of comfort to be together. I love that most of the time when they have slept together, they have begged Bryson to join them. This summer has been one big sleepover...I can't remember the last time each of them slept in his or her own bed. Even in Reasa's room, she's usually on the floor to accommodate one of the other two ("Lainie needs a good night's sleep tonight because she has gymnastics early in the morning.")(even on days when she had swimming on that same morning).
So, today, Seth is taking apart beds, reassembling them into their bunk bed form, we're sorting out clothing and closets, deciding what will stay downstairs and where desks will end up (Lainie is giving hers to Bryson, since both of the girls technically have two right now, and Lainie never uses the one in her bedroom), and we're repurposing bookshelves. And tonight, my kids will sleep where I like them sleeping...all on the same floor as me and on mattresses. Maybe. We'll see were Bryson ends up tonight. :)
Today, the girls become roommates again.
While searching for houses last summer the girls absolutely insisted that they wanted their own bedrooms. They understood early in the process that if we could only find a house with three bedrooms that fit our budget, they would have to room together, but we did look for four bedrooms with their request in mind. It just so happened that the house we fell in love with (both of them, actually) had 4 bedrooms, and the second had 4 bedrooms and enough space for a classroom. The girls got their wish. And thoroughly enjoyed personalizing their own spaces for the first time. Reasa couldn't wait to have her room always neat and tidy...just the way she likes it. Lainie anticipated loud music, walls plastered with her designs, and bright colors. For the first few months, all was well with their world.
Sometime mid-winter, Lainie decided...maybe the basement wasn't her favorite place to be. It is far away from the rest of the bedrooms (and secretly, this has always bugged me--hence the telephone at the head of her bed, and the cell phone under my pillow every night). Basement noises "creep you out." Yucky spiders (or freaky other bugs) sometimes hide in your bedroom. Having overnight guests in your room (even if said guest is your brother or sister) is more difficult on even a carpeted floor in the basement. And frankly, being alone? Not all it's cracked up to be. It's lonely and boring having your own bedroom. Sleepovers in Bryson and Reasa's rooms became common occurrences. The occasional "fort night" in the family room suddenly wasn't so occasional. Despite the desire to have their own spaces and express their own personalities on their own...the girls really missed each other.
"I told you so" seems appropriate here. :) But in the best possible way.
I love that my girls love each other enough to give up their own space and their own things and their own little bit of comfort to be together. I love that most of the time when they have slept together, they have begged Bryson to join them. This summer has been one big sleepover...I can't remember the last time each of them slept in his or her own bed. Even in Reasa's room, she's usually on the floor to accommodate one of the other two ("Lainie needs a good night's sleep tonight because she has gymnastics early in the morning.")(even on days when she had swimming on that same morning).
So, today, Seth is taking apart beds, reassembling them into their bunk bed form, we're sorting out clothing and closets, deciding what will stay downstairs and where desks will end up (Lainie is giving hers to Bryson, since both of the girls technically have two right now, and Lainie never uses the one in her bedroom), and we're repurposing bookshelves. And tonight, my kids will sleep where I like them sleeping...all on the same floor as me and on mattresses. Maybe. We'll see were Bryson ends up tonight. :)
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