Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Working Out

I totally love my workouts. I do. However, I also totally love sleep.  When I can get it.  I have lacked the motivation to get out of bed several times over the past 3 weeks due to a bit of a lack of sleep, and have always, always wound up feeling seriously grouchy at myself for skipping workouts as a result.  I lay there in bed, hitting snooze again, and saying to myself, "I'll do it in the afternoon while the kids play."  Then I let the kids use the wii aaaaand...no tv to use to do my workout.  "Well, I could put it in my laptop DVD player and do it on the other side of the room."  Then I realize it's already 4:30, Mom and Dad will be home in 45 minutes, and I need to do something for dinner.  "I'll do it after dinner, after I put the kids to bed."  Then...I just can't motivate myself to go to the basement and run (because Mom and Dad have the tv occupied, which is totally their right)...because running for the equivalent amount of time it would take to get the workout I get from Insanity...ha.  That's just funny.  So, I wind up without a blue line in my WOWY workout calendar...and the green line screams "SLACKER!!!" at me for the rest of the month.  I have several green lines this month.  I hate them.

Two things accompany this phenomenon which irritate me:

1) My nutrition falls apart. I'm not thinking clearly about the fact that I missed my workout, and continue to pile the 2000 or so calories into my mouth which I require when I'm working hard...because that's what I'm used to.  And my body is not forgiving when it comes to additional carbs if I don't work as hard as I need to work to eat the number of carbs I eat.  I know that's what's going on.  I have not gained any weight, but I don't feel as good...and I have grown very accustomed to feeling good.  Knowing my nutrition sucks sticks with me throughout the day.  It bugs me.  I like not thinking about it.  (Also, if my dad brings home one more package of Wegman's O's, I might have to throttle him.)(Have you ever had a chocolate oreo dredged through a spoonful of peanut butter?)

2) The rest of my schedule gets lazy too.  Our school routine here sucks.  We get up, hang out until 9, I tell the kids to start their chores (which are pitiful here), we get started with school around...10. 10:30. 11. We take a break for lunch when Mom and Dad come home and we start back up with school at...1. 1:30. 2.  We wind up doing school until 4:00, leaving just enough time to prep for dinner and whatever we need to do that evening.  This is not how school works best for us.  I know this.  And yet...I have had no real motivation to change it.  Hehe...only now...I have admitted it to you.

I have a to-do list.  I love my to-do list.  Too often over the past week, especially...I have ignored said to-do list.  The easy things get done...the tough stuff...you know, the stuff I'd rather not do...gets put off.  Ahh, sweet procrastination.  And procrastination, of course, piles on guilt.  And guilt (and the realization that I have sooo much left on my list) makes me not sleep.  Which contributes to the desire to not wake up.  Which throws off my workout schedule.  Which messes with my nutrition.  Which destroys my schedule.

Did you just catch that vicious cycle??

So, here I sit, my tummy too full to work out, my kids in various corners of the house playing, my to-do list staring me in the face...knowing that if I get off my butt and tackle just one hard task on the list and called the kids back to school, I could break the cycle I've got going...

"Blog" is on my to-do list.

Check.

I'm getting up. To fold white laundry. Then we'll have a math lesson.  And a History lesson.  And while the kids read, I'll work out.  Really.  I will.  The cycle ends today.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Baby

At 9:30 this morning, the doorbell rang.  I had already dragged my couldn't-fall-asleep-and-when-I-finally-did-was-awoken-2-hours-later-by-a-boy-with-a-bad-dream-who-stayed-in-bed-with-me-until-4:15-so-I-never-really-did-sleep self through the shower, breakfast (and skipped my workout...slacker-butt), a trip to the grocery store for last minute cake supplies, and a batch of peanut butter frosting, but I opened the door with anticipation.  Let the next stage of the transition begin.

Baby A (haven't gotten permission to share her name) is a 14-month-old daughter of a sort-of former student/teen from the youth group I used to work with...and she's precious.  She has had several babysitters in her very short life, and it has made her easygoing and highly adaptable.  I messaged her mom on a whim a couple of weeks ago, not really sure that she would really even remember who I was, let alone trust me with her daughter, not really sure I wanted to take on babysitting again...but I figured if I didn't check it out, I would never know.  Within a week and a half, we met and made arrangements.  I have her two days this week, and I am her only sitter as of next Monday.  The kids have literally counted down the days until we would have her here with us...they had a hard time sleeping last night.  Bryson made the comment to me today, "It's sort of like God answered my prayer for a baby. Only, we can't keep her at nights."  Of the three kids...he talked the most about wanting Baby A here.

I have to be honest, I'm not keeping her because babysitting is something I love to do.  Although...it's not something I struggle with.  Babies just come naturally to me.  I do baby stuff well.  I'm not keeping her because I need something else to fill my time.  I anticipate some stress when it's a week during which I also have 20 hours worth of flowers to build and 3 cakes to deliver in 2 days.  Or when I have to reschedule horse lessons twice, and figure out what to do with a baby during the kids' swim time.  I can handle the stress, but...adding a job isn't why I'm doing this.  I'm not really keeping her because we need the money...but, frankly...that little bit of extra is a motivating factor.

When it comes down to it...I am afraid.  I'm watching this baby because I am afraid.  Well, and because I know I can take great care of her, and I'm meeting a need, and because I feel like it's the right timing and opportunity for our family.  When it comes right down to it, I don't care one way or the other about money.  I know I need to have it to live.  We have bills to pay, expenses to cover, a life to live.  Nothing about me says "extravagant" (ok, so maybe my hair does, but, hello...I do it myself.).  But if there is one thing I've learned over the past 14 years, it's that money can make or break you in a lot of ways.  If you don't have enough of it to cover those bills, expenses, and to live life...things get dicey.  I fear being unprepared.  I fear debt.  The unexpected expense that comes up that I haven't planned for. Technically, our budget will work when we move out of my parents' house without any immediate issues...and the little bit I will bring in watching the Baby doesn't seem like it would make that much of a difference.  However, even the amount I will earn watching her feels like a cushion.  I can't count on my cakes as consistent income at this point--they cushion as well.  I haven't put enough time or effort into my Beachbody business at this point to make it really happen for me as real income--it's how I pay for my fitness addiction. ;) But I can feel like I'm more on top of things if I can throw a little extra into savings for my emergency fund or toward a house payment or a student loan or something.  Something.

We did not do finances well over the years.  I'm seeing everything I do right now as an opportunity to start over.  An opportunity to do it right.  I will do it right.  This...is my beginning.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The morning after...

Last night, Studio 180 held their Holiday Open House, and invited me along for the celebration...(check out the studio here, and his website here)(if you need a photographer, seriously...he's your man)...or rather, they invited SweetCakes along for it's first professional exposure experience.  I baked up a storm, decorated like a maniac, prepared and brainstormed and planned and spent waaaaaaayyy too much money...but had SO much fun doing it.  I think, all in all, it turned out very well, judging by overall responses, the multiple return trips to my table to sample the cupcakes and cheesecake truffles again, and the phone call from Paul this morning...congratulating me and telling me how everyone raved after I left.  Honestly...it felt good.  I knew what I was doing.  I walked in prepared.  And the 4 other bakers (who work out of their own bakeries)...didn't completely show me up (that was my fear).

I need to thank my sweet friend Karen, who sacrificed her Sunday afternoon and evening to join me in my last minute race-for-the-finish to get everything done--she painted pearlized swirls onto 15 or so stamped fondant cupcakes, and provided the jewelry to perfectly accessorize my little black dress.  :)  I so appreciate her.  She also kept me awake on the 2 hour drive home from Rochester, which I appreciate as well.  Also, I need to thank my parents for sacrificing their kitchen, as well as the rest of their house, for the week while I worked on this process.  You should see this place.  I'm currently avoiding it...because on the day after the madness...that's really all you want to do. ;)  I'll get to it.  I promise.

My brother took amazing pictures for the night, and I'm sure I'll get my hands on them eventually (when I do, I'll show them to you), but here are a couple to be a complete show off. I took them on my phone, so yes, they suck...but you'll get the idea.




Now, please excuse me while I go eat a leftover cupcake.   600 teeny tiny cupcakes may have been a bit of overkill.  But...I didn't run out.  And that was the point. :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Not Mine

I went to a concert tonight.  Sort of.

I say sort of because...well...concerts have changed a bit since I went to them as a teen.  Or a young adult, for that matter.  And, friends?  For the record?

I am no longer a young adult.  I know this now.  If I had any doubt of that before tonight, I no longer have a single one.

See, the thing is, the "concert," which was really a worship experience with a speaker, was really great.  Awesome music.  Two fantastic local bands (Yay, Amy, Jordan, Jon, and Aaron!!), relevant and contemporary worship music...so well done.  Excellent energy...friendly people.  Except...when I looked around, I realized...Good Lord, I could seriously be that girl's mother.  And it wasn't just one girl.  It was most of the people in the theater.  The speaker was 21.  I went tonight with my sweet friend Amy, who sang fabulously in the aforementioned band, and though she's semi-close in age to me, she's still young enough to definitely be considered a "young adult."  She's also at a different place in her life: single, working, free-spirited, not tied-down.  We hung out with her girlfriends at the concert, and headed to Friendly's afterward...7 girls...eating and chatting and laughing.  Only...I wasn't one of the 7 girls, really.

I was, like, the mom.  The mom who sat there and...I mean, I laughed along...I listened and interjected and agreed...but other than one other girl who has a 2-year-old (who had her daughter while in college, so, hello, 22), I was the only one there with kids, and, umm, I have 3.  And the oldest is almost TWELVE.  The girls were sweet.  And they never, ever gave me the feeling that I was out of place there with them.  I did that all by myself.  I just...had nothing to say.  It suddenly struck me that I'm seriously not young anymore.

And, to be honest with you, tonight I realized...I'm pretty ok with that.

Frankly, I'm 37 years old.  I have three children.  Married for 13.5 years.  Thirteen and a half years, folks.  The people I was with tonight, most of them haven't even been old enough to date for that long.  If they started dating at 12.

So, here's the thing:  I may feel 23.  I might look 30, if I'm super, super lucky and someone is being kind.  But...I'm 37.  I have laugh lines and crow's feet and stretch marks and experience.  It's who I am.  Tonight...it became very clear to me that it's ok.  And I'm not going to pretend that just because I prefer to rock out to what the 25-year-old single folks sing along with...I should be hanging out with them.  If I could figure out where I fit in now, that would help, that's for sure...but the young adult group...they're great...they're just not mine.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Housing

So.  Finding housing.  Not Fun.

Not that I've done a hardcore search in the area at this point.  But.  The research I've done, on craigslist, in the newspapers, the penny saver, real estate listings, in general conversation...has pointed to something I already knew: housing is expensive.  Blame it on the booming gas industry, lack of available housing, blame it on whatever you want to blame it on, the fact of the matter is that in our area, there is very, very little available and virtually nothing that has 3 bedrooms and fits our budget in an community in which I am willing to raise my kids.  Rental property is through the roof.  And getting a mortgage by myself is out of the question right now.  Blame destroyed credit for that one.  If you have the ability to live debt free from the time you can get credit...do it.  Then if life crumbles for you, at least you won't worry about getting a mortgage.  I don't know how families living on close to minimum wage are able to afford decent housing right now.  I really don't.

So, after a preliminary search, and much conversation...my parents stepped in.  If I haven't mentioned lately how grateful I am for everything they have done in my life and continue to do, please allow me to stand up right now and do that: my position right now if they weren't doing the things they're doing...would be unfortunate.  They have been my rescuers through this whole process, allowing us to have a place to live during transition, supporting us in every possible way when I couldn't have done it.  They decided last week to look into the option of buying a piece of income property, putting us in it to help with the down payment and pay the mortgage/insurance/taxes/utilities while we live there and make it better.  They got pre-approved for a mortgage, walked through a couple of houses, talked through the details of time frame, budget, down-the-road plans, and so on, and...we will go back to look at one of them together tomorrow afternoon.  Is the housing situation solved?  Not entirely...but it could be.  Soon.  If you're a praying friend...I'd so appreciate your prayers for wisdom and direction as options are discussed and decisions are made.  I'll keep you posted.  :)

Catching up

This week, I'm staring insanity in the face. No, not just my workout, though I'm there too, but every facet of life this week.  On the agenda?  Three birthday cakes, meeting the little one I'll start watching in a couple of weeks, makingabout 200 cheesecake truffles, a wedding cake with cupcake sized petit fours, and hundreds of mini cupcakes, slamming through school, swim lessons, horse lessons, and maybe a couple of drop in classes at the gym, getting the girls to youth group, church, and a trip for me to Rochester to showcase my cakes at my brother's studio opening.  I sat down yesterday and listed everything that needs to be done, with amounts, shopping lists, ordered last minute supplies from my cake supply place, realized I should have done that about three weeks ago...hehe...I never procrastinate.

I'm a little overwhelmed this morning.  So what do I do when I'm overwhelmed?  Avoid my to-do list.  Brilliant, right??  But...I do have a to-do list.  Actually, I have several of them.  I figured that I'd knock out the fun thing first this morning.  "BLOG" is on my to-do list.  Really.  It is.  So, with B. Reith playing in the background, I'm clicking away at my keyboard...realizing that all I've got today is news.  I have about 10 more serious posts sitting in my drafts folder staring at me each time I open it...but I'm avoiding them.  News will have to do today.

We plowed through the first week of January and really enjoyed the return to routine after the madness of the holidays.  Well, I did, anyway.  The kids didn't complain too much about school until...oh, Thursday morning.  It worked out nicely as we had a playdate that afternoon with our friends, the Ernsts, in Binghamton...including a trip to the pool for an hour of chilly swimming (they weren't chilly. Just the grown-ups who stood in the pool walking around making sure no one drowned).  Oh, how I have missed my friends.  I so enjoyed my time with Stacy and watching our kids, umm, not get along at all (ha.).

With our return to our school routine, I also revisited Insanity hard core last week...whew.  What a relief.  After a month of TurboFire (which is FUN! but...not enough), a month of a TurboFire/Insanity Hybrid (also FUN! but not enough), I decided I needed a month of what I love best.  And...here I am...loving it, just as I knew I would.  Shaun T. kicks my butt every single day.  I think I need to stop using my heartrate monitor (yeah right), as the calorie burn on Max Cardio Conditioning this morning was a little discouraging...and when it comes down to it, the calorie burn isn't why I'm doing it.  I just hate to look at my friends' numbers and see things like "784" for the same workout that when I do it, I'm burning under 400.  Ugh.  My bloggy friend Laura uses her blog daily as a tracker for her workout accountability...I'm not sure how faithful I'll be with that...but I love the idea.  Sorry, Laura...I'm biting off your idea....Day 43 (my day 339!!) Insanity, Max Cardio Conditioning: 385 cal, avg. heartrate: 149.  I started a 100 pushup challenge a few weeks ago, and have been off track with that...plan to kick it back into gear today--will go backwards for a couple of weeks, I'm sure, but I can't wait until I can say that I can do 100 pushups in a row. :)  There might be something wrong with me. I do realize this.  Additionally, last week I did a 3-day Shakeology cleanse, to refocus my eating.  I didn't gain weight over the holidays, and overall, I can't really complain about how I felt after they had all passed, but after 8 months of carefully monitoring just about everything I ate, a month of paying very little attention to nutrition...my focus was off.  The cleanse (3 shakes a day, 2 cups of green tea, 2 pieces of fruit, and a dinner of salad with white meat) reminded me of why I eat: to fuel my body.  I think that might be a blog post all by itself...remind me that I said that.  So...this week, I feel fantastic.  Seriously, I look back on my life and think about the number of times I've been able to say that...I don't remember any.  Any.  How sad is that?  And at the same time... :) ...what better time in my life to be able to say it??

So...the moment I click "publish post" today...I'm basically at a sprint...but then...that's kind of the story of my life, now, isn't it??  This week we study fractions as division problems, adding numbers close to 100, continue on our crazy journal-a-day adventure, Charlemagne and Beowulf, the lungs and germs, I Corinthians 13, and an introduction to chess. :)  I already have two more blog ideas floating around in my brain...but...hehe...eventually I have to accomplish something today...and the kids are almost done with their journal. Happy Monday, friends!