Asylum, Strength: Calories burned, 265
Average Heartrate: 118
I loved the same things about this workout that I loved about P90X when I did that all the way through. I feel STRONG when I do it. Like I can push those weights the number of times that I'm supposed to push them, and it's building and strengthening the muscles it's supposed to build and strengthen. I feel like my muscles are getting tighter and stronger and leaner even after the first workout. What I wound up not loving about P90X was the fact that it felt repetitive...a traditional weights workout, where you did 3 sets of 15 exercises, then 3 sets of 15 more, and so on....boring. Though you are going on the same principle with this strength workout, it's different--Shaun T changes it up with each set, adding on like an aerobics routine. And by the next time I do the strength workout (next week some time?) I will have forgotten most of it, and it will feel new again. Plus, I huffed and puffed my way through it because not only are you doing curls and presses...you're jumping with the weight (which I have to admit scared me a bit at first...I wouldn't consider myself the most coordinated person on the planet). I hope that is a benefit of this program for me. I have felt stronger and more coordinated as I've done all of my beachbody programs, that's for sure, but this program could actually target my coordination. That would be a benefit for me. I have good balance, but not fantastic coordination.
I loved that I could go for the entire minute on most of the exercises without taking a break. I loved that I could push for the entire minute on the push-up drills. I love that my muscles are truly fatigued right now...and it's all I can do to keep my hands on the keyboard. I will say that my lower back and my lats are really sore from yesterday's workout (or yoga on Sunday night? not sure). I should have used recovery drink yesterday. Duh.
I am going to be sore tomorrow. Very sore. I'm guessing my abs and my shoulders and my biceps, more than anything. Recovery drink now, Relief before bed tonight. 25 minutes of stretching and yoga...I'll take that any day. Taking my "after" Insanity pics and "before" Asylum pics today...we'll see.
Asylum...so far, excellent.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Day 1
Asylum, Speed and Agility: Calories burned, 375
Average Heartrate: 139
I absolutely loved this workout. The warm-up is hell. No joke. The work with the speed rope is like absolute death and torture. Before I started this, I thought, "It's jump rope. I can do that. No problem." Umm, no. It's 60 second speed work while you do squats or high knees or fancy footwork. Then you do another 60 seconds. When we moved to the ladder, I was relieved...it felt like a rest...until we went back to the rope. I think I've finally got the length of my rope right (and I'm glad I left myself a bunch of room on the end of the rope when I cut it--I had made it too short initially). I laughed so hard doing the mountain climber progression and the in and out progression though...I am really short. My legs just don't make it to the third box in the agility ladder with either of those!! If the spaces between the slats were a little shorter, I might be able to do it, but there's just no possible way. I kept kicking the ladder and dragging it up with my toes. So, I'll jump to the top of the 2nd box on the 3rd set...the funny thing is, it doesn't matter. By the time I got to the third set in the progression, my knees were on the floor and I was dying. :)
I definitely need to work on my coordination with a few of the moves, and I need to step up my game all the way around, but all of this just means there's room for improvement and that's what I was going for. The only thing I'm not crazy about? Shaun T doesn't give any direction at the beginning of each exercise so I felt like I was spending the first 5 or 10 seconds learning the move before I was doing it with him. Now, granted, I needed the time to catch my freaking breath before going into the next exercise, but...I still felt like I didn't know what I was doing half the time. And these moves take some serious coordination. I've heard that he reminds you throughout a couple of the workouts that "This is not Insanity." As if to say, "Insanity is for creampuffs. You're in the real deal now." I guess that's the way it works now...no prep...just get in it and go. I think the next time through this workout will be better. Except...that tomorrow is Strength.
And it's 12 hours after my first workout and I. Am. Sore. Very sore. I'm considering doing Relief tonight...maybe stretch all this stiffness out. Ugh.
And nutrition...starts tomorrow. ;) Memorial Day is no time to start a nutrition plan.
Average Heartrate: 139
I absolutely loved this workout. The warm-up is hell. No joke. The work with the speed rope is like absolute death and torture. Before I started this, I thought, "It's jump rope. I can do that. No problem." Umm, no. It's 60 second speed work while you do squats or high knees or fancy footwork. Then you do another 60 seconds. When we moved to the ladder, I was relieved...it felt like a rest...until we went back to the rope. I think I've finally got the length of my rope right (and I'm glad I left myself a bunch of room on the end of the rope when I cut it--I had made it too short initially). I laughed so hard doing the mountain climber progression and the in and out progression though...I am really short. My legs just don't make it to the third box in the agility ladder with either of those!! If the spaces between the slats were a little shorter, I might be able to do it, but there's just no possible way. I kept kicking the ladder and dragging it up with my toes. So, I'll jump to the top of the 2nd box on the 3rd set...the funny thing is, it doesn't matter. By the time I got to the third set in the progression, my knees were on the floor and I was dying. :)
I definitely need to work on my coordination with a few of the moves, and I need to step up my game all the way around, but all of this just means there's room for improvement and that's what I was going for. The only thing I'm not crazy about? Shaun T doesn't give any direction at the beginning of each exercise so I felt like I was spending the first 5 or 10 seconds learning the move before I was doing it with him. Now, granted, I needed the time to catch my freaking breath before going into the next exercise, but...I still felt like I didn't know what I was doing half the time. And these moves take some serious coordination. I've heard that he reminds you throughout a couple of the workouts that "This is not Insanity." As if to say, "Insanity is for creampuffs. You're in the real deal now." I guess that's the way it works now...no prep...just get in it and go. I think the next time through this workout will be better. Except...that tomorrow is Strength.
And it's 12 hours after my first workout and I. Am. Sore. Very sore. I'm considering doing Relief tonight...maybe stretch all this stiffness out. Ugh.
And nutrition...starts tomorrow. ;) Memorial Day is no time to start a nutrition plan.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Insanity: The Asylum. The New Adventure Begins
Today was the Fit Test for this next round of craziness. I was so nervous when I woke up this morning that (1) I woke up before the alarm went off. Like an hour before. (2) I laid in bed for 15 minutes, absolutely wide awake, and couldn't convince myself to get up. I have built this up in my mind to the point that...I had almost convinced myself I couldn't do it.
Silly. I've done Insanity 3 times. I've got this.
Agility Heisman: I tripped over the ladder and skipped spaces and jumped over the thing so many times on the first time through, I just rewound the thing and did it again. 9.5
In & Out Ab Progression: I felt like I was maybe the most prepared for this one...though I did trip over the end of the ladder twice. It sucks to have to take those reps out because you know if Shaun T was standing there he'd be like "Nope. That one didn't count." Jerk. 51
Pull-Ups/Push-Ups: I did the Lat Push-Ups because I hate Pull-Ups. 29
Mountain Climber Switch Kicks: Yeah, those are as hard as they sound. Since I hate switch kicks all by themselves almost as much as I hate Power Jumps (which I heard are coming from a squat this round), I was pleased with my number: 90
Agility Shoulder Taps: I think speed is key on this one. If I had moved a little faster, I could have gotten more in and still not felt any worse. Better next time. 5
X-Jumps: Thank you, Chalene, for prepping me for these. I took too many breaks along the way in this one. Should have done better. 31
Moving Push-Ups: Blech. 4
Agility Lateral Shuffle: I actually felt pretty good about my agility on this one. And I lack coordination. And that may be a dramatic understatement. 14.5
Agility Bear Crawl: I was dreading this one because Traci Marrow (hello, P90X Plus/Beachbody goddess) said she felt awkward doing this move. I didn't think it was that bad. But then...I don't expect every move to be perfect for me. That may not be true of her. ;) 12
Overall, I finished it sweating like a maniac, and semi out of breath, and feeling like I got a workout. I have a feeling tomorrow's Speed and Agility is going to absolutely kick my butt, but I'm not quite as afraid of the workout anymore. My quads are still kind of dead from yesterday's run, but that didn't totally wipe me out either. It feels so completely different to have a body that's used to endurance-type activities. Now if I can just get my tummy to cooperate.
Going with the Getting Shredded eating plan...time to have 300 calories worth of protein and a starch. :) Happy Sunday!!
Silly. I've done Insanity 3 times. I've got this.
Agility Heisman: I tripped over the ladder and skipped spaces and jumped over the thing so many times on the first time through, I just rewound the thing and did it again. 9.5
In & Out Ab Progression: I felt like I was maybe the most prepared for this one...though I did trip over the end of the ladder twice. It sucks to have to take those reps out because you know if Shaun T was standing there he'd be like "Nope. That one didn't count." Jerk. 51
Pull-Ups/Push-Ups: I did the Lat Push-Ups because I hate Pull-Ups. 29
Mountain Climber Switch Kicks: Yeah, those are as hard as they sound. Since I hate switch kicks all by themselves almost as much as I hate Power Jumps (which I heard are coming from a squat this round), I was pleased with my number: 90
Agility Shoulder Taps: I think speed is key on this one. If I had moved a little faster, I could have gotten more in and still not felt any worse. Better next time. 5
X-Jumps: Thank you, Chalene, for prepping me for these. I took too many breaks along the way in this one. Should have done better. 31
Moving Push-Ups: Blech. 4
Agility Lateral Shuffle: I actually felt pretty good about my agility on this one. And I lack coordination. And that may be a dramatic understatement. 14.5
Agility Bear Crawl: I was dreading this one because Traci Marrow (hello, P90X Plus/Beachbody goddess) said she felt awkward doing this move. I didn't think it was that bad. But then...I don't expect every move to be perfect for me. That may not be true of her. ;) 12
Overall, I finished it sweating like a maniac, and semi out of breath, and feeling like I got a workout. I have a feeling tomorrow's Speed and Agility is going to absolutely kick my butt, but I'm not quite as afraid of the workout anymore. My quads are still kind of dead from yesterday's run, but that didn't totally wipe me out either. It feels so completely different to have a body that's used to endurance-type activities. Now if I can just get my tummy to cooperate.
Going with the Getting Shredded eating plan...time to have 300 calories worth of protein and a starch. :) Happy Sunday!!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
8k
I ran it. In 45:23. At 4.97 miles, that's a 9:08 mile. This is not me bragging. This is me...in complete shock.
I have never done that before in my life. I might never be able to do it again.
But I am DARN WELL going to try.
I am currently on google trying to find the next something k close enough for me to run in it.
It's a freaking disease. Seriously.
(And I pierced my nose today. It was impulsive. And so fun. And I'm completely nuts.)(And I keep forgetting it's there and itching it because it itches!!!)(but it totally didn't hurt that much. it was more just weird.)(Don't tell my kid yet. She's might kill me when I see her tomorrow.)
Yikes.
:)
I have never done that before in my life. I might never be able to do it again.
But I am DARN WELL going to try.
I am currently on google trying to find the next something k close enough for me to run in it.
It's a freaking disease. Seriously.
(And I pierced my nose today. It was impulsive. And so fun. And I'm completely nuts.)(And I keep forgetting it's there and itching it because it itches!!!)(but it totally didn't hurt that much. it was more just weird.)(Don't tell my kid yet. She's might kill me when I see her tomorrow.)
Yikes.
:)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
In the midst of whatever I was doing this morning, I absent-mindedly bounced down the steps from a trip upstairs. The door at the bottom of the steps was mostly closed to make sure the baby didn't climb them while I ran up and back down. As I hit the landing and pushed that door open, the smell I remember distinctly as my Grandma's house overwhelmed me. I stood, frozen, in the sitting room.
My Gram has been gone for almost 6 years. In that moment, I expected to hear her calling "what would you like for lunch, Min?" and listing off 10 things only she would have in her house, thinking specifically of us when she bought them.
There are moments I barely think of my Grandma, honestly. And times I miss her so acutely. I have her things all around me, intentionally placed...used specifically to keep her in mind. My kitchen table. Her rolling pin. Her mother's pink sapphire ring. The piano. Some days I think of her as I use them. Some days I walk past and don't give them another thought. Today...she's all I can think about. How much my kids loved to spend time with her. What she would have said about the way things have worked out in my life. The huge bowls of ice cream she would have scooped when lunch was finished. The look she would have had on her face as she intently listened to Reasa talk about her most recent role-playing game. The days I miss her most, of course, always coincide with when I would have most liked to sit quietly with her...over a steaming cup of coffee (and probably a Drum sugar cookie)...listening to the kids hoot and holler in her yard. Talking about how to take care of those silly tomato plants. Or what to do about the squirrels in my bird feeders and eating my tulip bulbs. Or how different teaching was for her than it was for me.
This is a day when I miss her.
My Gram has been gone for almost 6 years. In that moment, I expected to hear her calling "what would you like for lunch, Min?" and listing off 10 things only she would have in her house, thinking specifically of us when she bought them.
There are moments I barely think of my Grandma, honestly. And times I miss her so acutely. I have her things all around me, intentionally placed...used specifically to keep her in mind. My kitchen table. Her rolling pin. Her mother's pink sapphire ring. The piano. Some days I think of her as I use them. Some days I walk past and don't give them another thought. Today...she's all I can think about. How much my kids loved to spend time with her. What she would have said about the way things have worked out in my life. The huge bowls of ice cream she would have scooped when lunch was finished. The look she would have had on her face as she intently listened to Reasa talk about her most recent role-playing game. The days I miss her most, of course, always coincide with when I would have most liked to sit quietly with her...over a steaming cup of coffee (and probably a Drum sugar cookie)...listening to the kids hoot and holler in her yard. Talking about how to take care of those silly tomato plants. Or what to do about the squirrels in my bird feeders and eating my tulip bulbs. Or how different teaching was for her than it was for me.
This is a day when I miss her.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Almost at the end
Today is day 59 (of 63). I'm almost at the end of another crazy round of Insanity. I'm nearly 15 months into my journey with Beachbody programs...and...ready to jump into a new one. Though I have no profound truths to share...I have no deep thoughts at all, really...I have a couple of observations.
1) I'm stronger this round than I've ever been. I walked into the bathroom after my workout last night and Reasa pointed to my arms and said, "Whoa, mom." :) My abs may never be what I want them to be, and I will never have petite, pretty arms, but my shoulders and my arms and my thighs are rock solid. I love that. Also, when Shaun T says "Level 3 Drills" this round, I say, "Bring it on," and only intersperse a few mean thoughts/unkind words along the way. I can do all 32 pushups in each set this week. Oh, it still hurts. But I can do it.
2) Though my nutrition has been better this month with the help of Paleo, it still isn't perfect. I absolutely can't completely give up my pastas and breads and treats. I want to. And most days I do so well. But after a couple of perfect days, I just break down. The pancakes I made the kids for breakfast yesterday. The brown rice for dinner on Monday. That darn buttercream that I have to have in the house for cakes!! I only eat a couple of bites of the "forbidden" foods...but I feel GUILT when I do. The thing is, I keep reminding myself why I'm doing Paleo. Not to lose weight, not to impress my friends (although...knowing that my fellow Paleo/Primal friends can see my food diary every day definitely motivates). I want to feel good. Live well. Live longer. Influence my kids. I think people fail at diets and nutrition plans and lifestyle changes because they try to drastically change something that is so ingrained in them all at once...and they wind up having a bad day, or slacking off, then giving up because they feel like if they can't follow the plan to the letter every single day, they might as well not follow it at all. I need to get to a place where I can let go of the guilt. This plan is important for me. High cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood pressure, and Type II Diabetes run in my family...I won't let any of them be part of my life if I can control it. This is one of the ways I can try. (and maybe when the number on the scale hits my goal weight...that will be when I can let go of the guilt. :) )
3) I love the Paleo Diet. If you don't know what it is, the kindle app for your computer is free, and the kindle version of the book is less than $8 on Amazon. It's a quick, worthwhile read. It's hardcore. I totally agree. But...you might love it too. I think it even cleared up my skin. Not kidding.
4) I think my kids are so cool. Now, I realize this may seem to have nothing to do with Insanity or Nutrition...but we have had the most awesome conversations about health and nutrition and exercise as I've gone through this round (and they have even joined me in several of the workouts...they get bored (and worn out!) quickly, but it's fun to start them together). Someone asked me if I thought I was damaging my kids by being so conscious of my eating and exercise and by doing extreme workouts. I have to honestly say...no. I really don't. My kids are fortunate that they are naturally thin--as children. They are active and happy and healthy. I am grateful for the fact that we don't have to worry about the "let's be more careful about what you're eating or you might put on unwanted weight" conversations. But even skinny kids need to know what's healthy. Even skinny kids need to get good exercise. Because skinny kids can still turn into grown-ups who need to be careful about their weight. And on another note, my currently-skinny, approaching-teenage girls need to watch their mother make healthy, intentional choices about food and exercise...and be happy with her body. Not constantly struggling to lose weight. Not bashing herself every time she looks in the mirror. And not looking in the mirror all the time. If you ask my kids if I'm trying to lose weight, they'll tell you, "Nope. She just likes working out." I hope that carries over into their lives as well. My girl just walked through the kitchen and said, "Mom, I have already had three full servings of fruit today! I'm on my way to getting all of it!" :) Ok. So maybe we're all a little obsessed. But I can think of worse things...
5) 7 hours of sleep is like magic for me. I know some people need more and some people need less, and I can survive and function on less...but if I can get 7 hours...I can conquer anything. My eyes are brighter (literally. they're not bloodshot, no dark circles, etc.), I move better, I feel better, I accomplish more. I don't want to strangle my children (mostly), I can knock out a workout as soon as I crawl out of bed (and sometimes another one before dinner), my to-do list doesn't feel quite as daunting. I will admit that I don't like that I want to collapse at 11...but it's where I am right now. And when I'm in bed by 11:30, and working out by 6:30...those are good days.
6) My stomach...is my nemesis. I just don't honestly know if I will ever be truly happy with it. It's one of those things where I look in the mirror and sigh...and know that it's "fine," but hate that it's just going to be "fine." I know abs are made in the kitchen...I'm pretty sure I've said that in this blog probably 50 times already...but I truthfully just don't know if maybe this stuff I can pinch on my sides and in my lower stomach just won't go away without starving myself (which I won't) or having liposuction (which I also won't). Stupid. Inconsequential. Annoying. Moving on.
Insanity: The Asylum starts on Monday...two days after I run my very first Anything k...this one is an 8k. I don't care if I ever run anything ever again, but I'm doing this 8k just to be able to say I did it. I may not do it in under an hour. I may not make it without having to break a couple of times. I may not keep up with the group I'm running it with (woohoo Victory Worship Team!). But I'm going to do it. Then I'm going to rest all day Sunday...then I'm going to die on Monday. The plan is to stick pretty tightly to Paleo while I do the 30 days of Asylum...I'm looking at Shaun T's Get Shredded plan and thinking about incorporating it...I'll keep you posted. (I'm sure you're chomping at the bit)
Oh...and totally off-topic...my oldest is currently less than an inch shorter than me. That can't be possible.
1) I'm stronger this round than I've ever been. I walked into the bathroom after my workout last night and Reasa pointed to my arms and said, "Whoa, mom." :) My abs may never be what I want them to be, and I will never have petite, pretty arms, but my shoulders and my arms and my thighs are rock solid. I love that. Also, when Shaun T says "Level 3 Drills" this round, I say, "Bring it on," and only intersperse a few mean thoughts/unkind words along the way. I can do all 32 pushups in each set this week. Oh, it still hurts. But I can do it.
2) Though my nutrition has been better this month with the help of Paleo, it still isn't perfect. I absolutely can't completely give up my pastas and breads and treats. I want to. And most days I do so well. But after a couple of perfect days, I just break down. The pancakes I made the kids for breakfast yesterday. The brown rice for dinner on Monday. That darn buttercream that I have to have in the house for cakes!! I only eat a couple of bites of the "forbidden" foods...but I feel GUILT when I do. The thing is, I keep reminding myself why I'm doing Paleo. Not to lose weight, not to impress my friends (although...knowing that my fellow Paleo/Primal friends can see my food diary every day definitely motivates). I want to feel good. Live well. Live longer. Influence my kids. I think people fail at diets and nutrition plans and lifestyle changes because they try to drastically change something that is so ingrained in them all at once...and they wind up having a bad day, or slacking off, then giving up because they feel like if they can't follow the plan to the letter every single day, they might as well not follow it at all. I need to get to a place where I can let go of the guilt. This plan is important for me. High cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood pressure, and Type II Diabetes run in my family...I won't let any of them be part of my life if I can control it. This is one of the ways I can try. (and maybe when the number on the scale hits my goal weight...that will be when I can let go of the guilt. :) )
3) I love the Paleo Diet. If you don't know what it is, the kindle app for your computer is free, and the kindle version of the book is less than $8 on Amazon. It's a quick, worthwhile read. It's hardcore. I totally agree. But...you might love it too. I think it even cleared up my skin. Not kidding.
4) I think my kids are so cool. Now, I realize this may seem to have nothing to do with Insanity or Nutrition...but we have had the most awesome conversations about health and nutrition and exercise as I've gone through this round (and they have even joined me in several of the workouts...they get bored (and worn out!) quickly, but it's fun to start them together). Someone asked me if I thought I was damaging my kids by being so conscious of my eating and exercise and by doing extreme workouts. I have to honestly say...no. I really don't. My kids are fortunate that they are naturally thin--as children. They are active and happy and healthy. I am grateful for the fact that we don't have to worry about the "let's be more careful about what you're eating or you might put on unwanted weight" conversations. But even skinny kids need to know what's healthy. Even skinny kids need to get good exercise. Because skinny kids can still turn into grown-ups who need to be careful about their weight. And on another note, my currently-skinny, approaching-teenage girls need to watch their mother make healthy, intentional choices about food and exercise...and be happy with her body. Not constantly struggling to lose weight. Not bashing herself every time she looks in the mirror. And not looking in the mirror all the time. If you ask my kids if I'm trying to lose weight, they'll tell you, "Nope. She just likes working out." I hope that carries over into their lives as well. My girl just walked through the kitchen and said, "Mom, I have already had three full servings of fruit today! I'm on my way to getting all of it!" :) Ok. So maybe we're all a little obsessed. But I can think of worse things...
5) 7 hours of sleep is like magic for me. I know some people need more and some people need less, and I can survive and function on less...but if I can get 7 hours...I can conquer anything. My eyes are brighter (literally. they're not bloodshot, no dark circles, etc.), I move better, I feel better, I accomplish more. I don't want to strangle my children (mostly), I can knock out a workout as soon as I crawl out of bed (and sometimes another one before dinner), my to-do list doesn't feel quite as daunting. I will admit that I don't like that I want to collapse at 11...but it's where I am right now. And when I'm in bed by 11:30, and working out by 6:30...those are good days.
6) My stomach...is my nemesis. I just don't honestly know if I will ever be truly happy with it. It's one of those things where I look in the mirror and sigh...and know that it's "fine," but hate that it's just going to be "fine." I know abs are made in the kitchen...I'm pretty sure I've said that in this blog probably 50 times already...but I truthfully just don't know if maybe this stuff I can pinch on my sides and in my lower stomach just won't go away without starving myself (which I won't) or having liposuction (which I also won't). Stupid. Inconsequential. Annoying. Moving on.
Insanity: The Asylum starts on Monday...two days after I run my very first Anything k...this one is an 8k. I don't care if I ever run anything ever again, but I'm doing this 8k just to be able to say I did it. I may not do it in under an hour. I may not make it without having to break a couple of times. I may not keep up with the group I'm running it with (woohoo Victory Worship Team!). But I'm going to do it. Then I'm going to rest all day Sunday...then I'm going to die on Monday. The plan is to stick pretty tightly to Paleo while I do the 30 days of Asylum...I'm looking at Shaun T's Get Shredded plan and thinking about incorporating it...I'll keep you posted. (I'm sure you're chomping at the bit)
Oh...and totally off-topic...my oldest is currently less than an inch shorter than me. That can't be possible.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
today
Today is 14 years.
For the past 7 months, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to say that. That it would actually officially end in year 13. In 89 days, the wait will be over. The marriage will be over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that year 15 will never happen. I walked into my marriage with the very, very firm belief that I would never walk out of it. One man, one marriage, one life. Forever. I believed this a year ago. 9 months ago, even. And here I am. Counting down 89 more days. Knowing that even when I hold the decree in my hands, I will never be completely free of this. I will never really forgive myself for walking away. Because I actually walked away. He was willing to stay. I mean, that would have been based upon certain stipulations, of course. Stipulations I couldn't live with. But...he would stay. And I walked away.
I don't regret it. I know I made the right decision, if there was a right or wrong decision to make. I wouldn't change any part of the past seven months (except that I would have had this all finished 4 months ago). I just still can't believe that this is where I find myself. 14 years and so much work and messiness later...I don't have a 15th anniversary cruise I'm looking forward to. Or a celebration tonight, even. Today, I've cried for what never was. What isn't now. What won't be. In 89 days, I start over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
For the past 7 months, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to say that. That it would actually officially end in year 13. In 89 days, the wait will be over. The marriage will be over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that year 15 will never happen. I walked into my marriage with the very, very firm belief that I would never walk out of it. One man, one marriage, one life. Forever. I believed this a year ago. 9 months ago, even. And here I am. Counting down 89 more days. Knowing that even when I hold the decree in my hands, I will never be completely free of this. I will never really forgive myself for walking away. Because I actually walked away. He was willing to stay. I mean, that would have been based upon certain stipulations, of course. Stipulations I couldn't live with. But...he would stay. And I walked away.
I don't regret it. I know I made the right decision, if there was a right or wrong decision to make. I wouldn't change any part of the past seven months (except that I would have had this all finished 4 months ago). I just still can't believe that this is where I find myself. 14 years and so much work and messiness later...I don't have a 15th anniversary cruise I'm looking forward to. Or a celebration tonight, even. Today, I've cried for what never was. What isn't now. What won't be. In 89 days, I start over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
Struck
I have been struck by simple, obvious things lately.
...how mature my children have become.
...how easy it is to maintain this house.
...how little I care about what the neighbors think. Or anyone else for that matter. I think that's freeing...but I haven't actually decided yet.
...how independent my kids want me to believe they are. And how independent I have allowed them to become.
...how quiet I am. I never would have called myself quiet before the past three years. I have never been content with silence until recently.
...how strong I feel. Physically. And other ways. Some days anyway.
...how blessed we are. In the midst of all of this, the kids and I have everything we need. And we're surrounded by the people we love.
...how much I still want more children. And realize that...I have all the children I will have.
...how desperately I love the children I have.
...how important a good haircut is to me. Six weeks of bad hair days have a detrimental effect on my overall attitude.
...how much I enjoy having green and growing things, inside and outside.
...how much I crave love.
...there's so much more, but if I don't hit "publish post," this will become yet another draft I do nothing with...and I have to break through this wall I've hit.
None of this is really all that important. Nothing you couldn't have lived without reading today. But I'm also remembering that I started blogging for me. As a record of what happens in my life, in my brain, with my children. To remember. These things...I want to remember. I'm glad you've come along for the ride.
...how mature my children have become.
...how easy it is to maintain this house.
...how little I care about what the neighbors think. Or anyone else for that matter. I think that's freeing...but I haven't actually decided yet.
...how independent my kids want me to believe they are. And how independent I have allowed them to become.
...how quiet I am. I never would have called myself quiet before the past three years. I have never been content with silence until recently.
...how strong I feel. Physically. And other ways. Some days anyway.
...how blessed we are. In the midst of all of this, the kids and I have everything we need. And we're surrounded by the people we love.
...how much I still want more children. And realize that...I have all the children I will have.
...how desperately I love the children I have.
...how important a good haircut is to me. Six weeks of bad hair days have a detrimental effect on my overall attitude.
...how much I enjoy having green and growing things, inside and outside.
...how much I crave love.
...there's so much more, but if I don't hit "publish post," this will become yet another draft I do nothing with...and I have to break through this wall I've hit.
None of this is really all that important. Nothing you couldn't have lived without reading today. But I'm also remembering that I started blogging for me. As a record of what happens in my life, in my brain, with my children. To remember. These things...I want to remember. I'm glad you've come along for the ride.
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