Today is day 59 (of 63). I'm almost at the end of another crazy round of Insanity. I'm nearly 15 months into my journey with Beachbody programs...and...ready to jump into a new one. Though I have no profound truths to share...I have no deep thoughts at all, really...I have a couple of observations.
1) I'm stronger this round than I've ever been. I walked into the bathroom after my workout last night and Reasa pointed to my arms and said, "Whoa, mom." :) My abs may never be what I want them to be, and I will never have petite, pretty arms, but my shoulders and my arms and my thighs are rock solid. I love that. Also, when Shaun T says "Level 3 Drills" this round, I say, "Bring it on," and only intersperse a few mean thoughts/unkind words along the way. I can do all 32 pushups in each set this week. Oh, it still hurts. But I can do it.
2) Though my nutrition has been better this month with the help of Paleo, it still isn't perfect. I absolutely can't completely give up my pastas and breads and treats. I want to. And most days I do so well. But after a couple of perfect days, I just break down. The pancakes I made the kids for breakfast yesterday. The brown rice for dinner on Monday. That darn buttercream that I have to have in the house for cakes!! I only eat a couple of bites of the "forbidden" foods...but I feel GUILT when I do. The thing is, I keep reminding myself why I'm doing Paleo. Not to lose weight, not to impress my friends (although...knowing that my fellow Paleo/Primal friends can see my food diary every day definitely motivates). I want to feel good. Live well. Live longer. Influence my kids. I think people fail at diets and nutrition plans and lifestyle changes because they try to drastically change something that is so ingrained in them all at once...and they wind up having a bad day, or slacking off, then giving up because they feel like if they can't follow the plan to the letter every single day, they might as well not follow it at all. I need to get to a place where I can let go of the guilt. This plan is important for me. High cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood pressure, and Type II Diabetes run in my family...I won't let any of them be part of my life if I can control it. This is one of the ways I can try. (and maybe when the number on the scale hits my goal weight...that will be when I can let go of the guilt. :) )
3) I love the Paleo Diet. If you don't know what it is, the kindle app for your computer is free, and the kindle version of the book is less than $8 on Amazon. It's a quick, worthwhile read. It's hardcore. I totally agree. But...you might love it too. I think it even cleared up my skin. Not kidding.
4) I think my kids are so cool. Now, I realize this may seem to have nothing to do with Insanity or Nutrition...but we have had the most awesome conversations about health and nutrition and exercise as I've gone through this round (and they have even joined me in several of the workouts...they get bored (and worn out!) quickly, but it's fun to start them together). Someone asked me if I thought I was damaging my kids by being so conscious of my eating and exercise and by doing extreme workouts. I have to honestly say...no. I really don't. My kids are fortunate that they are naturally thin--as children. They are active and happy and healthy. I am grateful for the fact that we don't have to worry about the "let's be more careful about what you're eating or you might put on unwanted weight" conversations. But even skinny kids need to know what's healthy. Even skinny kids need to get good exercise. Because skinny kids can still turn into grown-ups who need to be careful about their weight. And on another note, my currently-skinny, approaching-teenage girls need to watch their mother make healthy, intentional choices about food and exercise...and be happy with her body. Not constantly struggling to lose weight. Not bashing herself every time she looks in the mirror. And not looking in the mirror all the time. If you ask my kids if I'm trying to lose weight, they'll tell you, "Nope. She just likes working out." I hope that carries over into their lives as well. My girl just walked through the kitchen and said, "Mom, I have already had three full servings of fruit today! I'm on my way to getting all of it!" :) Ok. So maybe we're all a little obsessed. But I can think of worse things...
5) 7 hours of sleep is like magic for me. I know some people need more and some people need less, and I can survive and function on less...but if I can get 7 hours...I can conquer anything. My eyes are brighter (literally. they're not bloodshot, no dark circles, etc.), I move better, I feel better, I accomplish more. I don't want to strangle my children (mostly), I can knock out a workout as soon as I crawl out of bed (and sometimes another one before dinner), my to-do list doesn't feel quite as daunting. I will admit that I don't like that I want to collapse at 11...but it's where I am right now. And when I'm in bed by 11:30, and working out by 6:30...those are good days.
6) My stomach...is my nemesis. I just don't honestly know if I will ever be truly happy with it. It's one of those things where I look in the mirror and sigh...and know that it's "fine," but hate that it's just going to be "fine." I know abs are made in the kitchen...I'm pretty sure I've said that in this blog probably 50 times already...but I truthfully just don't know if maybe this stuff I can pinch on my sides and in my lower stomach just won't go away without starving myself (which I won't) or having liposuction (which I also won't). Stupid. Inconsequential. Annoying. Moving on.
Insanity: The Asylum starts on Monday...two days after I run my very first Anything k...this one is an 8k. I don't care if I ever run anything ever again, but I'm doing this 8k just to be able to say I did it. I may not do it in under an hour. I may not make it without having to break a couple of times. I may not keep up with the group I'm running it with (woohoo Victory Worship Team!). But I'm going to do it. Then I'm going to rest all day Sunday...then I'm going to die on Monday. The plan is to stick pretty tightly to Paleo while I do the 30 days of Asylum...I'm looking at Shaun T's Get Shredded plan and thinking about incorporating it...I'll keep you posted. (I'm sure you're chomping at the bit)
Oh...and totally off-topic...my oldest is currently less than an inch shorter than me. That can't be possible.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
today
Today is 14 years.
For the past 7 months, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to say that. That it would actually officially end in year 13. In 89 days, the wait will be over. The marriage will be over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that year 15 will never happen. I walked into my marriage with the very, very firm belief that I would never walk out of it. One man, one marriage, one life. Forever. I believed this a year ago. 9 months ago, even. And here I am. Counting down 89 more days. Knowing that even when I hold the decree in my hands, I will never be completely free of this. I will never really forgive myself for walking away. Because I actually walked away. He was willing to stay. I mean, that would have been based upon certain stipulations, of course. Stipulations I couldn't live with. But...he would stay. And I walked away.
I don't regret it. I know I made the right decision, if there was a right or wrong decision to make. I wouldn't change any part of the past seven months (except that I would have had this all finished 4 months ago). I just still can't believe that this is where I find myself. 14 years and so much work and messiness later...I don't have a 15th anniversary cruise I'm looking forward to. Or a celebration tonight, even. Today, I've cried for what never was. What isn't now. What won't be. In 89 days, I start over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
For the past 7 months, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to say that. That it would actually officially end in year 13. In 89 days, the wait will be over. The marriage will be over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that year 15 will never happen. I walked into my marriage with the very, very firm belief that I would never walk out of it. One man, one marriage, one life. Forever. I believed this a year ago. 9 months ago, even. And here I am. Counting down 89 more days. Knowing that even when I hold the decree in my hands, I will never be completely free of this. I will never really forgive myself for walking away. Because I actually walked away. He was willing to stay. I mean, that would have been based upon certain stipulations, of course. Stipulations I couldn't live with. But...he would stay. And I walked away.
I don't regret it. I know I made the right decision, if there was a right or wrong decision to make. I wouldn't change any part of the past seven months (except that I would have had this all finished 4 months ago). I just still can't believe that this is where I find myself. 14 years and so much work and messiness later...I don't have a 15th anniversary cruise I'm looking forward to. Or a celebration tonight, even. Today, I've cried for what never was. What isn't now. What won't be. In 89 days, I start over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
Struck
I have been struck by simple, obvious things lately.
...how mature my children have become.
...how easy it is to maintain this house.
...how little I care about what the neighbors think. Or anyone else for that matter. I think that's freeing...but I haven't actually decided yet.
...how independent my kids want me to believe they are. And how independent I have allowed them to become.
...how quiet I am. I never would have called myself quiet before the past three years. I have never been content with silence until recently.
...how strong I feel. Physically. And other ways. Some days anyway.
...how blessed we are. In the midst of all of this, the kids and I have everything we need. And we're surrounded by the people we love.
...how much I still want more children. And realize that...I have all the children I will have.
...how desperately I love the children I have.
...how important a good haircut is to me. Six weeks of bad hair days have a detrimental effect on my overall attitude.
...how much I enjoy having green and growing things, inside and outside.
...how much I crave love.
...there's so much more, but if I don't hit "publish post," this will become yet another draft I do nothing with...and I have to break through this wall I've hit.
None of this is really all that important. Nothing you couldn't have lived without reading today. But I'm also remembering that I started blogging for me. As a record of what happens in my life, in my brain, with my children. To remember. These things...I want to remember. I'm glad you've come along for the ride.
...how mature my children have become.
...how easy it is to maintain this house.
...how little I care about what the neighbors think. Or anyone else for that matter. I think that's freeing...but I haven't actually decided yet.
...how independent my kids want me to believe they are. And how independent I have allowed them to become.
...how quiet I am. I never would have called myself quiet before the past three years. I have never been content with silence until recently.
...how strong I feel. Physically. And other ways. Some days anyway.
...how blessed we are. In the midst of all of this, the kids and I have everything we need. And we're surrounded by the people we love.
...how much I still want more children. And realize that...I have all the children I will have.
...how desperately I love the children I have.
...how important a good haircut is to me. Six weeks of bad hair days have a detrimental effect on my overall attitude.
...how much I enjoy having green and growing things, inside and outside.
...how much I crave love.
...there's so much more, but if I don't hit "publish post," this will become yet another draft I do nothing with...and I have to break through this wall I've hit.
None of this is really all that important. Nothing you couldn't have lived without reading today. But I'm also remembering that I started blogging for me. As a record of what happens in my life, in my brain, with my children. To remember. These things...I want to remember. I'm glad you've come along for the ride.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Stuck
I can't write. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just...can't write.
I'm not ignoring the blog, really. I open a new post screen every single day and just let it sit there. I just can't function in it. As I always remind myself...I am so going to regret this lapse. I always do.
In the meantime, thanks for checking in. I'll figure it out. I promise.
I'm not ignoring the blog, really. I open a new post screen every single day and just let it sit there. I just can't function in it. As I always remind myself...I am so going to regret this lapse. I always do.
In the meantime, thanks for checking in. I'll figure it out. I promise.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Where I am on My Fitness Journey
The past year has truly been a journey for me. During that time, the health/fitness/nutrition portion of my life has often been all-consuming...nearly all I have thought about from the moment I woke up until the moment I fall asleep. Some of this was absolutely a defense mechanism: much of my life felt so out of control, I grabbed on to something I could control. What I eat and what I do physically? Easy. What other people do? Not so easy. And trust me, friends, your remarks about "obsession" and "out of control" have not fallen on deaf ears. I'm just ignoring you. ;) I know I was. It was where I had to be for a little while. See? I didn't lapse into anorexia or work myself into exhaustion (that was everything else in my life.).
At certain times over the past year, I did this journey on autopilot. It became habit, and there just wasn't any question as to whether I would wake up and do it every day. At certain times, the nutrition/health portion, I ignored. Those times were fewer and farther between, but the past three months...that's where I have been. Blissfully ignoring it. I got all soap-boxy in January, then promptly let it slide. I put on 8 pounds in the first two months...yep, 8 pounds (and 8 pounds when you're 5'2"? Ouch.)...and even though I was working out every single day...I can't eat like it doesn't matter and think that an hour of working out a day is going to combat that. Interestingly, my actual calorie count went down. Significantly. Like from 2100 calories or so a day to somewhere around 1200. But the quality of those calories went to crap. At first, I ignored it. Passed it off as...water weight. Adding muscle. Needing a break. Winter weight. Ha. Two weeks ago, I took the bull by the horns and admitted the problem...and started the 2-day Beachbody fast...to remind myself of why I eat. I did something like this in January, but it had a very different feel--more of a cleanse. I need to think my mom for her participation in this fast--had she not been doing it with me, I totally would have caved. I lost somewhere around 4 pounds. Not necessarily my goal, but...it sure felt good. Over the month prior to that, I was also doing a P90X/Insanity hybrid which...just didn't cut it for me. Good workout, but not something I enjoyed completely...and a month into it, I looked in the mirror, and looked...not better. P90X the first two times I did it kicked my butt. Reminded me how it felt to be strong and fit and working hard. Now...Insanity is my workout. Makes me feel like I worked. Hard. It wears me out every day. So, last Monday I returned to Insanity (with my brother...who had the same issue with the hybrid. go figure)...this Monday, I jumped back into the Elite Nutrition plan...1800 calories...5 meals a day, 40% protein, 40% carbs, 20% fat. I've already dropped 2 pounds. Adding calories. And doing my favorite workout. Imagine that. 2 more pounds, and I'll be back where I love to be. And it's really not about the number...it's just where my body feels best...and I am happy when I'm there.
In all of this, I'm still realizing things. How it feels to be fit. How it feels when I slack. How the way I feel physically affects the way I approach life. Rewinding 14 months...I felt like garbage physically, and it reflected in my attitude, the way I carried myself, and how I handled each day. I can't imagine going through what I chose last fall without feeling good about my body and being where I was mentally. You can't feel like crap and wake up every morning and face stress and do it well. And not that I do every single day well, or that this is the only reason I am surviving the transitions...obviously not. But I know it contributes. It feels like a gift I was given...the opportunity to have something in my life in place before something else fell dramatically apart. ;)
Today is Cardio Recovery around here...which, if you've done Insanity, you know isn't really recovery... :) but that's why I love it. I'm hoping to throw in a little Fountain of Youth Yoga before the day is done too. But for right now, I have to run. It's almost time for Second Breakfast. I'm thinking a turkey/mushroom omelet and whole wheat toast with an apple. :) And first breakfast was a banana and a scrambled egg burrito with pepper jack cheese. :) Hooray for lots of yummy food!
At certain times over the past year, I did this journey on autopilot. It became habit, and there just wasn't any question as to whether I would wake up and do it every day. At certain times, the nutrition/health portion, I ignored. Those times were fewer and farther between, but the past three months...that's where I have been. Blissfully ignoring it. I got all soap-boxy in January, then promptly let it slide. I put on 8 pounds in the first two months...yep, 8 pounds (and 8 pounds when you're 5'2"? Ouch.)...and even though I was working out every single day...I can't eat like it doesn't matter and think that an hour of working out a day is going to combat that. Interestingly, my actual calorie count went down. Significantly. Like from 2100 calories or so a day to somewhere around 1200. But the quality of those calories went to crap. At first, I ignored it. Passed it off as...water weight. Adding muscle. Needing a break. Winter weight. Ha. Two weeks ago, I took the bull by the horns and admitted the problem...and started the 2-day Beachbody fast...to remind myself of why I eat. I did something like this in January, but it had a very different feel--more of a cleanse. I need to think my mom for her participation in this fast--had she not been doing it with me, I totally would have caved. I lost somewhere around 4 pounds. Not necessarily my goal, but...it sure felt good. Over the month prior to that, I was also doing a P90X/Insanity hybrid which...just didn't cut it for me. Good workout, but not something I enjoyed completely...and a month into it, I looked in the mirror, and looked...not better. P90X the first two times I did it kicked my butt. Reminded me how it felt to be strong and fit and working hard. Now...Insanity is my workout. Makes me feel like I worked. Hard. It wears me out every day. So, last Monday I returned to Insanity (with my brother...who had the same issue with the hybrid. go figure)...this Monday, I jumped back into the Elite Nutrition plan...1800 calories...5 meals a day, 40% protein, 40% carbs, 20% fat. I've already dropped 2 pounds. Adding calories. And doing my favorite workout. Imagine that. 2 more pounds, and I'll be back where I love to be. And it's really not about the number...it's just where my body feels best...and I am happy when I'm there.
In all of this, I'm still realizing things. How it feels to be fit. How it feels when I slack. How the way I feel physically affects the way I approach life. Rewinding 14 months...I felt like garbage physically, and it reflected in my attitude, the way I carried myself, and how I handled each day. I can't imagine going through what I chose last fall without feeling good about my body and being where I was mentally. You can't feel like crap and wake up every morning and face stress and do it well. And not that I do every single day well, or that this is the only reason I am surviving the transitions...obviously not. But I know it contributes. It feels like a gift I was given...the opportunity to have something in my life in place before something else fell dramatically apart. ;)
Today is Cardio Recovery around here...which, if you've done Insanity, you know isn't really recovery... :) but that's why I love it. I'm hoping to throw in a little Fountain of Youth Yoga before the day is done too. But for right now, I have to run. It's almost time for Second Breakfast. I'm thinking a turkey/mushroom omelet and whole wheat toast with an apple. :) And first breakfast was a banana and a scrambled egg burrito with pepper jack cheese. :) Hooray for lots of yummy food!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Simple Woman's Daybook, Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Outside my window...rain. serious rain. and worms on the sidewalks.
I am thinking...about how wonderful it will be when the last box is unpacked, and the last piece of furniture is moved in.
I am thankful for ... the freedom to move at our own pace. being ahead of schedule with school.
I am wearing...light wash jeans, a turquoise, long-sleeved, v-neck wrap-style shirt.
I am remembering...how obnoxious this big red dog was six months ago...and realizing how charming she is now.
I am creating...a home.
I am going... to sit quietly for just a little while longer, then read to my kids.
I am reading...My Utmost for His Highest and the study guide. Again.
I am hoping... to figure out which books to keep and which books to toss, and to have the motivation to rehearse more music today.
On my mind...where I am. who I am. how to do this and do it well.
From the learning rooms... Astronomy. lots and lots of astronomy.
Noticing that... my children thrive in their own space. they are different here.
From the kitchen... the urge to bake. and cook. :) feels so good.
Around the house...chaos in the form of 12 boxes of books, 2 boxes of decorations, 3 boxes to go to good will, 2 boxes to go to my sisters, and a box in each of the kids rooms of decorative stuff. sigh.
One of my favorite things... organization.
Praying for...peace for my children.
A verse to share..."“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” - 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
A few plans for this week... unpacking. sorting. schooling. adjusting to Maisie for the week. singing a lot. snuggling my monkeys.
If you enjoy dwelling on the simple things in life and want to participate in this, CLICK HERE to read all about it and join us! Leave me a comment so I know to check out your blog to see your post!
I am thinking...about how wonderful it will be when the last box is unpacked, and the last piece of furniture is moved in.
I am thankful for ... the freedom to move at our own pace. being ahead of schedule with school.
I am wearing...light wash jeans, a turquoise, long-sleeved, v-neck wrap-style shirt.
I am remembering...how obnoxious this big red dog was six months ago...and realizing how charming she is now.
I am creating...a home.
I am going... to sit quietly for just a little while longer, then read to my kids.
I am reading...My Utmost for His Highest and the study guide. Again.
I am hoping... to figure out which books to keep and which books to toss, and to have the motivation to rehearse more music today.
On my mind...where I am. who I am. how to do this and do it well.
From the learning rooms... Astronomy. lots and lots of astronomy.
Noticing that... my children thrive in their own space. they are different here.
From the kitchen... the urge to bake. and cook. :) feels so good.
Around the house...chaos in the form of 12 boxes of books, 2 boxes of decorations, 3 boxes to go to good will, 2 boxes to go to my sisters, and a box in each of the kids rooms of decorative stuff. sigh.
One of my favorite things... organization.
Praying for...peace for my children.
A verse to share..."“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” - 2 Corinthians 5:14-15
A few plans for this week... unpacking. sorting. schooling. adjusting to Maisie for the week. singing a lot. snuggling my monkeys.
If you enjoy dwelling on the simple things in life and want to participate in this, CLICK HERE to read all about it and join us! Leave me a comment so I know to check out your blog to see your post!
Quick Catch Up
1. We moved.
2. We painted all but one of the rooms in the downstairs, and all but two of the rooms upstairs.
3. Awesome people helped me. My parents even took a week off work so that it could all get done at once. They are my heroes.
4. I upacked all of the boxes we moved in here in 2 days.
5. I got another load of boxes on day 7. They are not all upacked. They are all books and curriculum. I have too many books and too much curriculum. It makes my head swim
6. I have been perpetually exhausted since two Tuesdays ago.
7. My brother's appointment with the pulmonary specialist went very well. He is feeling much better--it looks like the pain may have been caused by a seerely pulled muscle. The nodule is something they're going to keep an eye on with low-dose CT scans over the next two years. Thank you so much for your prayers.
8. The kids were away for the first full weekend since we moved...and I survived. It was actually blissfully quiet. I accomplished so much.
9. We are dogsitting Maisie for the week. I love her. She has become the most amazing dog.
10. We have reached full-blown tweenagehood. Somebody stop this rollercoaster ride. Please.
11. Homes owned by 92-year-old blind women...should be professionally cleaned before anyone moves into them.
12. I have discarded somewhere around 65 ant traps, found in every single room in the house. And I have not yet cleaned the whole basement. Said ant traps were all dated in sharpie marker. The most recent date I found? 4/97.
13. Hissing radiators have an indescribable charm.
14. My upstairs bathroom has so much print on the walls, floor, and shower curtain that when I step out of the shower, I have an instant headache.
15. Spiced Pumpkin is a lovely color for my living room. It clashes furiously with the gold carpet, but I love it.
16. Anyone who tells you hieroglyphics on your yellow countertop isn't quaint...is lying.
17. When painting two of your sons walls To Die For Red, plan on two gallons of paint...and many, many coats of trim.
18. My sister is going to have a baby in probably the next week. :) He doesn't have a name yet. I can't wait to meet him.
2. We painted all but one of the rooms in the downstairs, and all but two of the rooms upstairs.
3. Awesome people helped me. My parents even took a week off work so that it could all get done at once. They are my heroes.
4. I upacked all of the boxes we moved in here in 2 days.
5. I got another load of boxes on day 7. They are not all upacked. They are all books and curriculum. I have too many books and too much curriculum. It makes my head swim
6. I have been perpetually exhausted since two Tuesdays ago.
7. My brother's appointment with the pulmonary specialist went very well. He is feeling much better--it looks like the pain may have been caused by a seerely pulled muscle. The nodule is something they're going to keep an eye on with low-dose CT scans over the next two years. Thank you so much for your prayers.
8. The kids were away for the first full weekend since we moved...and I survived. It was actually blissfully quiet. I accomplished so much.
9. We are dogsitting Maisie for the week. I love her. She has become the most amazing dog.
10. We have reached full-blown tweenagehood. Somebody stop this rollercoaster ride. Please.
11. Homes owned by 92-year-old blind women...should be professionally cleaned before anyone moves into them.
12. I have discarded somewhere around 65 ant traps, found in every single room in the house. And I have not yet cleaned the whole basement. Said ant traps were all dated in sharpie marker. The most recent date I found? 4/97.
13. Hissing radiators have an indescribable charm.
14. My upstairs bathroom has so much print on the walls, floor, and shower curtain that when I step out of the shower, I have an instant headache.
15. Spiced Pumpkin is a lovely color for my living room. It clashes furiously with the gold carpet, but I love it.
16. Anyone who tells you hieroglyphics on your yellow countertop isn't quaint...is lying.
17. When painting two of your sons walls To Die For Red, plan on two gallons of paint...and many, many coats of trim.
18. My sister is going to have a baby in probably the next week. :) He doesn't have a name yet. I can't wait to meet him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)