Today is 14 years.
For the past 7 months, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to say that. That it would actually officially end in year 13. In 89 days, the wait will be over. The marriage will be over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to think that year 15 will never happen. I walked into my marriage with the very, very firm belief that I would never walk out of it. One man, one marriage, one life. Forever. I believed this a year ago. 9 months ago, even. And here I am. Counting down 89 more days. Knowing that even when I hold the decree in my hands, I will never be completely free of this. I will never really forgive myself for walking away. Because I actually walked away. He was willing to stay. I mean, that would have been based upon certain stipulations, of course. Stipulations I couldn't live with. But...he would stay. And I walked away.
I don't regret it. I know I made the right decision, if there was a right or wrong decision to make. I wouldn't change any part of the past seven months (except that I would have had this all finished 4 months ago). I just still can't believe that this is where I find myself. 14 years and so much work and messiness later...I don't have a 15th anniversary cruise I'm looking forward to. Or a celebration tonight, even. Today, I've cried for what never was. What isn't now. What won't be. In 89 days, I start over. But today...
...today is 14 years.
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I always believe things happen for a reason. I believe God has a plan for you and great things are in your future. So look toward the future and I don't think you have to wait 89 days for your new life to start... I think you've already started towards it. You are a strong woman and will come out of all this crap for the better. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you Min.
ReplyDeleteI love you, friend, and I hope you do forgive yourself. You need to. If not right now, eventually, you need to do so.
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