I overthink. I do. It's a curse, at times, I think. The times when I can't sleep because the thoughts race through my head at such a mind-boggling speed that I can't keep up, and I become neurotic and twitchy and can't focus on the tasks at hand. Other times, it allows me to plan really well (though often, I procrastinate anyway, so though the list is in place, it doesn't really do me much good until crunch time hits)(at least I have the list at that point, right?). It suddenly struck me this week that in all of this I...could actually fail.
I know, real positive, right? Happy thought! But there it is. In the middle of all of this, in the midst of the positive, excited, almost-ready-to-do-it-on-my-own enthusiasm, I was faced with the reality that this could crumble down on me...and fast. I have three years to figure everything out. To do it on my own. To make it work well. Plan for the kids' educations, plan for my future career, plan toward my own retirement. I can't rest on the planning that we did for this in the past...it doesn't exist any more. I truly have to do this by myself. In the past, I counted on the fact that it wouldn't just be up to me to make sure I could retire some day. I relaxed, knowing that it would be a team effort (after the kids went to college), and that we would live semi-comfortably after we retired. Honestly, these are some of the reasons I absolutely didn't even consider divorce before this point, no matter what happened: we had made decisions to make life work for us together. Making it work separately was not an option. Now...it's just brutal reality.
If my cake business doesn't work...if I can't get my kitchen certified or licensed or whatever it needs to make me legal in NY to sell cakes...I have to have another plan. It's not something I can frotz around with beyond the next six months or so. My degree is in Elementary Education and Math. I have half of my Masters degree in Reading. None of that even matters any more. I never got certified, my provisional certification ran out about 10 years ago, and I have absolutely no desire to step back into a classroom ever, ever, ever again. I know this makes me a horrible person, but it's truth. Yes, I still have student loans I need to pay back on this education I received, but, frankly, it allows me to teach my children with confidence, and...I wouldn't trade that for the world. So...now what? What do I do when I grow up so that I can live my life when I'm old?
I honestly don't know.
Somebody pick for me, ok? Tell me it's time I went to school for (fill in the blank)(and then pay for it for me) and I'll go. I love school. I can totally do that. Tell me I would make a perfect (fill in the blank)(and it better not have anything to do with teaching. or children)(unless it's a professional birthday party planner or something)(then find me all the leads I need to do that) and I'll become that.
What? I'm asking too much?
Yeah. Trust me. I know. I overthought it all day long. I still don't have any answers.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Breakdown
I heard somewhere along the way that bad things come in threes. You get to the third bad thing, and you're done. Sometimes I wondered with that statement whether they have to come in threes, or if sometimes, you get through the first one and you can be done. Like, maybe...you get a reprieve every once in a while. I've never paid close attention, I guess, to the groupings of bad things in my life...the focus has always kind of been to get through the one that is most pressing at the moment. I'm sure there have been times where I've skimmed by with just one. Maybe two.
Not this time.
My computer has an unidentifiable virus. It locks up in safe mode.
My phone makes phone calls when it feels like it. Oh, if I go to speaker, it might connect. But. It might not.
My printer will not print. Oh, homeschooling moms, you feel my pain with this one, don't you??
Do you realize how much you depend upon things like your computer, your phone, and your printer? I didn't. What I suddenly realized, however, was that when one, or two, or three of them malfunction, everything else goes by the wayside while you try to figure out what has caused the problem(s). Hours, people. Hours. And the thing is, it's not that I don't have access to another computer. Obviously I do. But...I have 3 years of pictures on my laptop. All of the documentation for schooling. So many pieces of my life are on that computer. Additionally, it's my connection to people throughout the day (I don't talk to my girlfriends on the phone like my mom talked to her friend Jill everyday when I was a kid...I facebook chat with them!), my source of all information, whether relevant or trivial, my find-a-cake-design-because-my-brain-doesn't-invent-these-things, it-copies-them resource, my respite in the evenings when I don't want to watch one more second of fox news with my dad...I just can't handle the ranting after a while, and I'd much rather watch something mindless like House in my room. The point is...without my computer...ugh. Even with a netbook...hehe...they're little, folks. And persnickety. If you are a netbook user who loves it...more power to you. I miss my 15" screen and a keyboard where my fingers fit and buttons in the "right" places and a touchpad I don't smack with my left thumb all the time and wind up with my screen zoomed out to like 10%. Am I grateful that there are other computers I can use while mine is down? Absolutely. Am I whining? Maybe a little.
The phone...I never use it to make calls. Ok, not never, but rarely. The thing is...when I need to make calls, hello...it's my only phone. No land line here. No intentions of getting one when we move. And if one of my kids is dying and I need an ambulance, I better not have to wonder if my phone is going to make a call. If you have the desire to purchase a palm pre plus...maybe run in the opposite direction. This is my second (and since I typed the draft of this post, they've decided to send me another new one) one in less than a year with the same problem, and my brother had the same issue with his, and I think also had it replaced once. Someday, I will upgrade to an iPhone. Someday.
As for the printer...sigh. It's just a printer, right? It's been an inconvenience this week not to be able to print off practice sheets and a new spelling list and copy the pages out of the Body Book like I needed to for science. I can replace it for practically nothing. It's just the principle of the thing. Computer, Phone, Printer, all in ONE DAY???
Here's the thing: realistically, the computer will get reformatted (because my dad is awesome). The phone will be replaced. The printer...who knows. It might work today. If it doesn't, there's a Walmart less than 3 miles away that carries this exact model (and...maybe it's time to shop for a better model anyway?) for under $80. I just didn't realize how all-encompassing the technology in my life really was. How significant it would be to deal with these three silly things all at once. And you know what I watched? I watched myself snap at or ignore what my kids were doing (or were supposed to be doing) because I couldn't make it work. I forgot my schedule and to-do list while I tried to get them back under control. I got to the end of at least two days and realized I had accomplished virtually nothing in an attempt to save information and find viruses and upgrade protection and troubleshoot with my phone company. And I wound up no better off, really, than when I started. I had to pass off responsibility for the computer to my dad--I'm just not knowledgable enough about this kind of thing. I wasted 2 hours with the verizon store last night, only to have it not work again this morning...and now they're sending me a new phone. I had to just give up fighting with the printer and accept the fact that I would have to replace it. I'm sure there is some huge life lesson here...too much reliance upon technology? Too much worry, not enough asking for help (until much, much later)? Or maybe...who cares? I'm making too much of it all.
I maybe tend to do that a little bit. It's been one of those weeks.
How was your week?
Not this time.
My computer has an unidentifiable virus. It locks up in safe mode.
My phone makes phone calls when it feels like it. Oh, if I go to speaker, it might connect. But. It might not.
My printer will not print. Oh, homeschooling moms, you feel my pain with this one, don't you??
Do you realize how much you depend upon things like your computer, your phone, and your printer? I didn't. What I suddenly realized, however, was that when one, or two, or three of them malfunction, everything else goes by the wayside while you try to figure out what has caused the problem(s). Hours, people. Hours. And the thing is, it's not that I don't have access to another computer. Obviously I do. But...I have 3 years of pictures on my laptop. All of the documentation for schooling. So many pieces of my life are on that computer. Additionally, it's my connection to people throughout the day (I don't talk to my girlfriends on the phone like my mom talked to her friend Jill everyday when I was a kid...I facebook chat with them!), my source of all information, whether relevant or trivial, my find-a-cake-design-because-my-brain-doesn't-invent-these-things, it-copies-them resource, my respite in the evenings when I don't want to watch one more second of fox news with my dad...I just can't handle the ranting after a while, and I'd much rather watch something mindless like House in my room. The point is...without my computer...ugh. Even with a netbook...hehe...they're little, folks. And persnickety. If you are a netbook user who loves it...more power to you. I miss my 15" screen and a keyboard where my fingers fit and buttons in the "right" places and a touchpad I don't smack with my left thumb all the time and wind up with my screen zoomed out to like 10%. Am I grateful that there are other computers I can use while mine is down? Absolutely. Am I whining? Maybe a little.
The phone...I never use it to make calls. Ok, not never, but rarely. The thing is...when I need to make calls, hello...it's my only phone. No land line here. No intentions of getting one when we move. And if one of my kids is dying and I need an ambulance, I better not have to wonder if my phone is going to make a call. If you have the desire to purchase a palm pre plus...maybe run in the opposite direction. This is my second (and since I typed the draft of this post, they've decided to send me another new one) one in less than a year with the same problem, and my brother had the same issue with his, and I think also had it replaced once. Someday, I will upgrade to an iPhone. Someday.
As for the printer...sigh. It's just a printer, right? It's been an inconvenience this week not to be able to print off practice sheets and a new spelling list and copy the pages out of the Body Book like I needed to for science. I can replace it for practically nothing. It's just the principle of the thing. Computer, Phone, Printer, all in ONE DAY???
Here's the thing: realistically, the computer will get reformatted (because my dad is awesome). The phone will be replaced. The printer...who knows. It might work today. If it doesn't, there's a Walmart less than 3 miles away that carries this exact model (and...maybe it's time to shop for a better model anyway?) for under $80. I just didn't realize how all-encompassing the technology in my life really was. How significant it would be to deal with these three silly things all at once. And you know what I watched? I watched myself snap at or ignore what my kids were doing (or were supposed to be doing) because I couldn't make it work. I forgot my schedule and to-do list while I tried to get them back under control. I got to the end of at least two days and realized I had accomplished virtually nothing in an attempt to save information and find viruses and upgrade protection and troubleshoot with my phone company. And I wound up no better off, really, than when I started. I had to pass off responsibility for the computer to my dad--I'm just not knowledgable enough about this kind of thing. I wasted 2 hours with the verizon store last night, only to have it not work again this morning...and now they're sending me a new phone. I had to just give up fighting with the printer and accept the fact that I would have to replace it. I'm sure there is some huge life lesson here...too much reliance upon technology? Too much worry, not enough asking for help (until much, much later)? Or maybe...who cares? I'm making too much of it all.
I maybe tend to do that a little bit. It's been one of those weeks.
How was your week?
Monday, February 7, 2011
:) Hot Chocolate Recipe
By request...and since it was crazy amazing...here's the link: Hot Chocolate!!
And here's the recipe:
And here's the recipe:
Ingredients
Directions
Simple Woman's Daybook, Feb. 7, 2011
Outside my window...it's warm today. balmy, even (almost 40. ;) ). but threatening to get colder. And very slippery.
I am thinking.....that a mortgage payment sounds...good.
I am thankful for... my children. even on the toughest days, i treasure them.
I am wearing...dark wash skinny jeans, a 3/4 sleeve white and lavender striped cardigan, a white cami and thick grey socks.
I am remembering...a much crazier schedule, and not missing it.
I am creating...lists of things to organize and pack. detailed to-do lists. and a list of long-term goals.
I am going...to plan a menu.
I am reading...Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Lehman.
I am hoping... to have a closing date by the end of the week?
On my mind...the papers i got in the mail from the lawyer today. signed. dated. submitted.
From the learning rooms... The Wonderful Way Babies are Made (yes. it's what you're thinking it is), multiplying fractions, 4's times tables, the crusades, the parables of Jesus.
Noticing that... it doesn't matter how much i attempt to de-clutter my mother's house of our stuff...it's just going to be cluttered while we're here. period.
From the kitchen... chicken and broccoli stir fry.
Around the house...dogs. lots and lots of dogs.
One of my favorite things... my children being creative and entrepreneurial at the same time.
Praying for...my friends as they face medical craziness in their family.
A verse to share..."Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4
A few plans for this week... babysitting, horse lessons, dinner with friends, Laine's birthday, Laine's friend birthday party...at some point i should maybe plan for that...hehe.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Random Thoughts.
1. I have no idea why anyone drinks Swiss Miss hot chocolate. For 5 minutes worth of effort, made-from-scratch hot chocolate tastes like a completely different drink. And heaven. All at the same time.
2. Lactose Intolerance can kiss my butt when there is made-from-scratch hot chocolate around. So can any semblance of a nutrition plan.
3. I gained half an inch in my waist during a month of nutritional laziness. This will not do.
4. Brazil Butt Lift is an incredible workout. It has a completely different philosophy than any of the other Beachbody workouts I have done, but I am sore, and it wipes me out while I'm doing it. I have not had a cramp in my side from cardio in months...and I did with Cardio Axe this morning. After 10 minutes.
5. I am crazy proud of my brother, Kevin, for getting through month 1 of Insanity. Hope he's prepared for month 2. (Hehe. No one is.)
6. You should try this: http://www.chalenejohnson.com/30daychallenge/ It has changed my every day.
7. It is difficult to be happy for someone with whom I am extremely angry.
8. I continually debate getting my nose pierced. Why? Semi-permanent sparkle on my face. (There is something wrong with me.)
9. The recently-released-to-DVD, Ramona and Beezus, is a must-see. The little girl who plays Ramona? Seriously the best child-actor I have watched--maybe ever.
10. At the age of 37, no woman should have to worry about which skin care/makeup regimen will allow her to treat and prevent pimples while also treating and preventing wrinkles. By this point, I should be able to focus on...gosh, one or the other?? And I'd take wrinkles over pimples. Seriously.
11. I want to know how Ke$ha got a recording contract. And why the heck she has a $ in the middle of her name. And why this is ok.
12. I should be completely and wholly exempt from Valentine's Day this year. The end.
13. Very little feels better than getting to the end of the day and having every single item on my to-do list crossed off.
14. Icy Hot: don't use too much. Also, if you use too much, your next workout and the shower to follow will BURN. I learned this the hard way. I hope I can prevent the experience for you.
15. Dogs are wild animals whom we have forced to follow our rules. Sometimes they respond very well to our expectations. Other times they rebel. When they rebel, we must remember that in their hearts, they are wild animals. It's OUR expectations that are stupid.
16. A clean house is the sign of...someone who cares a lot more today than I do.
17. (Ok, so I had this big goal of getting to 17. I have no idea why, except that...I like the number 17. So. Here I am at 17...and...nope. Nothing to say.)(Oh, there it is. The number 17 makes me exceedingly happy. Because it's prime. And...I like how it looks.)(See parenthesis in #8)
2. Lactose Intolerance can kiss my butt when there is made-from-scratch hot chocolate around. So can any semblance of a nutrition plan.
3. I gained half an inch in my waist during a month of nutritional laziness. This will not do.
4. Brazil Butt Lift is an incredible workout. It has a completely different philosophy than any of the other Beachbody workouts I have done, but I am sore, and it wipes me out while I'm doing it. I have not had a cramp in my side from cardio in months...and I did with Cardio Axe this morning. After 10 minutes.
5. I am crazy proud of my brother, Kevin, for getting through month 1 of Insanity. Hope he's prepared for month 2. (Hehe. No one is.)
6. You should try this: http://www.chalenejohnson.com/30daychallenge/ It has changed my every day.
7. It is difficult to be happy for someone with whom I am extremely angry.
8. I continually debate getting my nose pierced. Why? Semi-permanent sparkle on my face. (There is something wrong with me.)
9. The recently-released-to-DVD, Ramona and Beezus, is a must-see. The little girl who plays Ramona? Seriously the best child-actor I have watched--maybe ever.
10. At the age of 37, no woman should have to worry about which skin care/makeup regimen will allow her to treat and prevent pimples while also treating and preventing wrinkles. By this point, I should be able to focus on...gosh, one or the other?? And I'd take wrinkles over pimples. Seriously.
11. I want to know how Ke$ha got a recording contract. And why the heck she has a $ in the middle of her name. And why this is ok.
12. I should be completely and wholly exempt from Valentine's Day this year. The end.
13. Very little feels better than getting to the end of the day and having every single item on my to-do list crossed off.
14. Icy Hot: don't use too much. Also, if you use too much, your next workout and the shower to follow will BURN. I learned this the hard way. I hope I can prevent the experience for you.
15. Dogs are wild animals whom we have forced to follow our rules. Sometimes they respond very well to our expectations. Other times they rebel. When they rebel, we must remember that in their hearts, they are wild animals. It's OUR expectations that are stupid.
16. A clean house is the sign of...someone who cares a lot more today than I do.
17. (Ok, so I had this big goal of getting to 17. I have no idea why, except that...I like the number 17. So. Here I am at 17...and...nope. Nothing to say.)(Oh, there it is. The number 17 makes me exceedingly happy. Because it's prime. And...I like how it looks.)(See parenthesis in #8)
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