The Baby

At 9:30 this morning, the doorbell rang.  I had already dragged my couldn't-fall-asleep-and-when-I-finally-did-was-awoken-2-hours-later-by-a-boy-with-a-bad-dream-who-stayed-in-bed-with-me-until-4:15-so-I-never-really-did-sleep self through the shower, breakfast (and skipped my workout...slacker-butt), a trip to the grocery store for last minute cake supplies, and a batch of peanut butter frosting, but I opened the door with anticipation.  Let the next stage of the transition begin.

Baby A (haven't gotten permission to share her name) is a 14-month-old daughter of a sort-of former student/teen from the youth group I used to work with...and she's precious.  She has had several babysitters in her very short life, and it has made her easygoing and highly adaptable.  I messaged her mom on a whim a couple of weeks ago, not really sure that she would really even remember who I was, let alone trust me with her daughter, not really sure I wanted to take on babysitting again...but I figured if I didn't check it out, I would never know.  Within a week and a half, we met and made arrangements.  I have her two days this week, and I am her only sitter as of next Monday.  The kids have literally counted down the days until we would have her here with us...they had a hard time sleeping last night.  Bryson made the comment to me today, "It's sort of like God answered my prayer for a baby. Only, we can't keep her at nights."  Of the three kids...he talked the most about wanting Baby A here.

I have to be honest, I'm not keeping her because babysitting is something I love to do.  Although...it's not something I struggle with.  Babies just come naturally to me.  I do baby stuff well.  I'm not keeping her because I need something else to fill my time.  I anticipate some stress when it's a week during which I also have 20 hours worth of flowers to build and 3 cakes to deliver in 2 days.  Or when I have to reschedule horse lessons twice, and figure out what to do with a baby during the kids' swim time.  I can handle the stress, but...adding a job isn't why I'm doing this.  I'm not really keeping her because we need the money...but, frankly...that little bit of extra is a motivating factor.

When it comes down to it...I am afraid.  I'm watching this baby because I am afraid.  Well, and because I know I can take great care of her, and I'm meeting a need, and because I feel like it's the right timing and opportunity for our family.  When it comes right down to it, I don't care one way or the other about money.  I know I need to have it to live.  We have bills to pay, expenses to cover, a life to live.  Nothing about me says "extravagant" (ok, so maybe my hair does, but, hello...I do it myself.).  But if there is one thing I've learned over the past 14 years, it's that money can make or break you in a lot of ways.  If you don't have enough of it to cover those bills, expenses, and to live life...things get dicey.  I fear being unprepared.  I fear debt.  The unexpected expense that comes up that I haven't planned for. Technically, our budget will work when we move out of my parents' house without any immediate issues...and the little bit I will bring in watching the Baby doesn't seem like it would make that much of a difference.  However, even the amount I will earn watching her feels like a cushion.  I can't count on my cakes as consistent income at this point--they cushion as well.  I haven't put enough time or effort into my Beachbody business at this point to make it really happen for me as real income--it's how I pay for my fitness addiction. ;) But I can feel like I'm more on top of things if I can throw a little extra into savings for my emergency fund or toward a house payment or a student loan or something.  Something.

We did not do finances well over the years.  I'm seeing everything I do right now as an opportunity to start over.  An opportunity to do it right.  I will do it right.  This...is my beginning.