It's What I Do

I overthink.  I do.  It's a curse, at times, I think.  The times when I can't sleep because the thoughts race through my head at such a mind-boggling speed that I can't keep up, and I become neurotic and twitchy and can't focus on the tasks at hand.  Other times, it allows me to plan really well (though often, I procrastinate anyway, so though the list is in place, it doesn't really do me much good until crunch time hits)(at least I have the list at that point, right?). It suddenly struck me this week that in all of this I...could actually fail.

I know, real positive, right?  Happy thought!  But there it is.  In the middle of all of this, in the midst of the positive, excited, almost-ready-to-do-it-on-my-own enthusiasm, I was faced with the reality that this could crumble down on me...and fast.  I have three years to figure everything out. To do it on my own. To make it work well.  Plan for the kids' educations, plan for my future career, plan toward my own retirement.  I can't rest on the planning that we did for this in the past...it doesn't exist any more. I truly have to do this by myself.  In the past, I counted on the fact that it wouldn't just be up to me to make sure I could retire some day. I relaxed, knowing that it would be a team effort (after the kids went to college), and that we would live semi-comfortably after we retired. Honestly, these are some of the reasons I absolutely didn't even consider divorce before this point, no matter what happened: we had made decisions to make life work for us together.  Making it work separately was not an option.  Now...it's just brutal reality.

If my cake business doesn't work...if I can't get my kitchen certified or licensed or whatever it needs to make me legal in NY to sell cakes...I have to have another plan. It's not something I can frotz around with beyond the next six months or so. My degree is in Elementary Education and Math.  I have half of my Masters degree in Reading.  None of that even matters any more. I never got certified, my provisional certification ran out about 10 years ago, and I have absolutely no desire to step back into a classroom ever, ever, ever again.  I know this makes me a horrible person, but it's truth.  Yes, I still have student loans I need to pay back on this education I received, but, frankly, it allows me to teach my children with confidence, and...I wouldn't trade that for the world.  So...now what?  What do I do when I grow up so that I can live my life when I'm old?

I honestly don't know.

Somebody pick for me, ok? Tell me it's time I went to school for (fill in the blank)(and then pay for it for me) and I'll go.  I love school.  I can totally do that.  Tell me I would make a perfect (fill in the blank)(and it better not have anything to do with teaching. or children)(unless it's a professional birthday party planner or something)(then find me all the leads I need to do that) and I'll become that. 

What?  I'm asking too much?

Yeah.  Trust me.  I know.  I overthought it all day long.  I still don't have any answers.