A few weeks ago, I explained a bit about my new normal...the chaos that is life in the midst of separation and divorce. With that, I probably should have included a warning...that posts would be few and far between, and likely...not always pretty. Please consider yourself warned tonight, friends. This one isn't going to be pretty.
So much of what happens in a divorce is just plain complicated. There is no other accurate way to describe it. Nothing you say about it or think about it is pretty. It's all a mess. Basically, things outside of God's will look disastrous. I don't believe God intended for my marriage to fall dramatically to pieces. I don't believe that He designed marriage to look like mine looks. I believe that sin messes things up for us. That's just the simple truth of it. Period.
But I'm going to say this to all of you amazing people who don't have to go through what I'm going through and I hope you never do: people who are in the middle of a messy divorce? We know how messy it is. We know you feel awkward about it. We feel awkward about it too. See, right now, not only am I working through explaining this whole disaster to my children and my family...but the people who know feel like they need to protect me or step carefully around it...and the people who don't know (and there are just so many of those still) have no idea what to say when they find out. Trust me. I get your discomfort. Completely. I don't need you to say anything about it. It's even ok to say, "Mindy. I don't even know what to say." I'm going to respond with something like, "Neither do I. It's totally ok. We can absolutely change the subject." Seriously. Do it. I'm not trying to protect you. I'm not trying to be strong. I don't want to hash out the details 400 times a day any more than you actually want to know them (and trust me. You don't. Frankly, I don't either.). I absolutely appreciate your concern. I know you know about the situation, and that you've had conversations with other friends, because you never thought this would happen to me. I'm fine with your conversations. I don't feel weird about it...because you know what? I've had those conversations regarding my friends who have been through this too. And I never thought this would happen to me either. So far from what I expected from my life. So. Very. Far.
To clear things up, yes. I'm a mess. Yes, my children are struggling through this transition. Some days are definitely better than others. Some are much, much worse. If you as me if I'm ok right now...I might put on a smiley face and tell you, yes, things are fine. It might or might not be a lie. Please don't press me about it though, OK? If I tear up and my voice shakes, and I tell you I'm fine...let it go. I will talk to you when I need to. If I tell you I don't need anything, or I don't accept your offer to take my kids or come to your house or go out to dinner...I'm not trying to shove you out of my life or be ungrateful...I'm doing the best that I can...and right then, I need to do what I'm doing. If I lock myself up in my room writing blog entries I never post or watching movies to shut out the world or making lists and working out budgets and writing long-term goals and short term plans...it is what I can do right at that moment. I'll say it again: when I need you, I will seek you out. I promise. Right now...I might not be able to do that. I know I'm not an island. But this moment...I have to figure out how to do this.
I fully trust that God is with me. I know that he will make all things work together for good in every circumstance. I know that things will come together. Today...I'm tired. Things are not ok. And I'd love to just sleep. For a long time.
I'm going to go run on the treadmill for as long as I can. And tomorrow I'm going to get up and maybe do it again. Then eat animal crackers dredged through buttercream.
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I love you. :) You're doing fine. The best you can do is exactly what you're doing, and, sometimes, you should choose to do less than what you think your best is. Take a break. Give yourself time and eat animal crackers dredged in buttercream (I would choose mashed potatoes dredged in gravy, but it's all good). You're doing fine.
ReplyDeleteThat very well sums up how I've been feeling this past month since the miscarriage also. And those who I've talked to who have been through losing a baby told me that right now I need to focus on myself and working through the pain. They're right. I'm glad that's what you are doing too. I really appreciate your posts Min. Loss sucks - marriage or baby. Love you.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your heartbreak Mindy - I went through it 13 years ago - and it is heartbreaking - but you will recover and so will the children. I have an amazing husband who takes care of me and the children (including my first born). It took a long time to find him. You will find happiness again - this is the hard part - the separation - the divorce is just a day in court - Trust - Pray - and think positive thoughts for you and your children - you will all be fine if you have faith and positive energy. (((hugs))) Lisa (Dennison-Michalek)
ReplyDeleteMindy:
ReplyDeleteI have always loved your blogs. You are a wonderful Mother and you have great kids. You are going through a very difficult time, I expect messy, and unpredictable. It is normal for what you are going through. I 100% agree with you on the not being pressed. Some people do not know when to leave things alone. We love you so much. Stay strong, and kick ass in your workouts. You are a true inspiration.
Love
Sarah
Mindy,
ReplyDeleteI get awkward conversations. (How's Tate these days? um...deceased) Good job getting out there with the truth of your life anyway. What a difference you will make to other struggling women.