I know exactly how she feels right now. Exactly. I remember the thoughts that went through my head as I lay on my bed, sobbing into my pillow.
He is so mean. He's trying to ruin my life. He doesn't want me to have any friends. That way, he doesn't have to worry about where I am or what I'm doing or who my friends are, he can be in complete control of everything I do, every second of the day. He wants me to be miserable. He likes when I get in trouble. And why did I get in trouble? What was I doing that was so wrong? I'll bet (fill-in-the-blank-friend's-name)'s parents don't tell her she has an attitude all the time. This is so stupid. I hate my life!!
Hot tears. Angry words. The injustice.
Sigh.
If I had a dollar for every time that rant went through my head when my dad disciplined me for something I had done or took something important away from me as a result of my actions...gosh, I'd have a lot of dollars. Not that those dollars would do me a lot of good right now. While my baby girl lies on her bed. Sobbing. Occasionally punctuating those sobs with, "I hate my life!"
What I didn't realize as a kid was the depth of pain my dad felt when he actually had to follow through on the discipline he threatened. That proverbial "this hurts me more than it hurts you" (to which I always responded under my breath, "yeah, right."). Tonight, Reasa's attitude about helping clean her room (displayed by slamming her boots onto the floor as she took them off) resulted in the threat, "If I see one more display of your lousy attitude tonight, Reasa, I will call Taylor's mom and tell her she can't come over tonight." The most unfortunate part of the situation is how desperately Reasa wants Taylor to be here tonight. Actually, maybe the most unfortunate part is how miserable Reasa's attitude toward me and Seth has been lately. I really thought her desperate desire to have Taylor here would outweigh her miserable attitude toward (well, especially) me lately (since Seth wasn't home yet).
I was wrong.
So, 40 minutes later, as I cleaned the kitchen (because that's what I do when I get worked up: I clean), thinking about what I needed to say with her as follow-through to my text to Taylor's mom, can I think of anything brilliant to say to her? Nope. Because all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and cry right along with her. I despise having to follow through on threats. It would be so much easier to say, "It's ok, honey. I changed my mind. Just don't let it happen again." I know in my head that doing what I said I would do will make her think the next time she considers sassing me, or pushing it just a little bit farther, or slamming the milk down on the table just a little harder than it needs to be slammed...but oh, my heart in the meantime. And hers as well. The thought of her laying there, thinking of me as mean, or unjust, or controlling absolutely breaks my heart. But not more than the thought of her seeing me as inconsistent or irrelevant or anything less than an example of the mother she someday hopes to be. She can't see any of those things right now. But I hope she can eventually.
Probably while she's standing in her kitchen wiping syrup off the table while her daughter sobs in her own bedroom.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Shaking my head
Today we will do something I knew would happen. I will admit I expected it would happen sooner than this...but...it sort of did. ;)
Today, the girls become roommates again.
While searching for houses last summer the girls absolutely insisted that they wanted their own bedrooms. They understood early in the process that if we could only find a house with three bedrooms that fit our budget, they would have to room together, but we did look for four bedrooms with their request in mind. It just so happened that the house we fell in love with (both of them, actually) had 4 bedrooms, and the second had 4 bedrooms and enough space for a classroom. The girls got their wish. And thoroughly enjoyed personalizing their own spaces for the first time. Reasa couldn't wait to have her room always neat and tidy...just the way she likes it. Lainie anticipated loud music, walls plastered with her designs, and bright colors. For the first few months, all was well with their world.
Sometime mid-winter, Lainie decided...maybe the basement wasn't her favorite place to be. It is far away from the rest of the bedrooms (and secretly, this has always bugged me--hence the telephone at the head of her bed, and the cell phone under my pillow every night). Basement noises "creep you out." Yucky spiders (or freaky other bugs) sometimes hide in your bedroom. Having overnight guests in your room (even if said guest is your brother or sister) is more difficult on even a carpeted floor in the basement. And frankly, being alone? Not all it's cracked up to be. It's lonely and boring having your own bedroom. Sleepovers in Bryson and Reasa's rooms became common occurrences. The occasional "fort night" in the family room suddenly wasn't so occasional. Despite the desire to have their own spaces and express their own personalities on their own...the girls really missed each other.
"I told you so" seems appropriate here. :) But in the best possible way.
I love that my girls love each other enough to give up their own space and their own things and their own little bit of comfort to be together. I love that most of the time when they have slept together, they have begged Bryson to join them. This summer has been one big sleepover...I can't remember the last time each of them slept in his or her own bed. Even in Reasa's room, she's usually on the floor to accommodate one of the other two ("Lainie needs a good night's sleep tonight because she has gymnastics early in the morning.")(even on days when she had swimming on that same morning).
So, today, Seth is taking apart beds, reassembling them into their bunk bed form, we're sorting out clothing and closets, deciding what will stay downstairs and where desks will end up (Lainie is giving hers to Bryson, since both of the girls technically have two right now, and Lainie never uses the one in her bedroom), and we're repurposing bookshelves. And tonight, my kids will sleep where I like them sleeping...all on the same floor as me and on mattresses. Maybe. We'll see were Bryson ends up tonight. :)
Today, the girls become roommates again.
While searching for houses last summer the girls absolutely insisted that they wanted their own bedrooms. They understood early in the process that if we could only find a house with three bedrooms that fit our budget, they would have to room together, but we did look for four bedrooms with their request in mind. It just so happened that the house we fell in love with (both of them, actually) had 4 bedrooms, and the second had 4 bedrooms and enough space for a classroom. The girls got their wish. And thoroughly enjoyed personalizing their own spaces for the first time. Reasa couldn't wait to have her room always neat and tidy...just the way she likes it. Lainie anticipated loud music, walls plastered with her designs, and bright colors. For the first few months, all was well with their world.
Sometime mid-winter, Lainie decided...maybe the basement wasn't her favorite place to be. It is far away from the rest of the bedrooms (and secretly, this has always bugged me--hence the telephone at the head of her bed, and the cell phone under my pillow every night). Basement noises "creep you out." Yucky spiders (or freaky other bugs) sometimes hide in your bedroom. Having overnight guests in your room (even if said guest is your brother or sister) is more difficult on even a carpeted floor in the basement. And frankly, being alone? Not all it's cracked up to be. It's lonely and boring having your own bedroom. Sleepovers in Bryson and Reasa's rooms became common occurrences. The occasional "fort night" in the family room suddenly wasn't so occasional. Despite the desire to have their own spaces and express their own personalities on their own...the girls really missed each other.
"I told you so" seems appropriate here. :) But in the best possible way.
I love that my girls love each other enough to give up their own space and their own things and their own little bit of comfort to be together. I love that most of the time when they have slept together, they have begged Bryson to join them. This summer has been one big sleepover...I can't remember the last time each of them slept in his or her own bed. Even in Reasa's room, she's usually on the floor to accommodate one of the other two ("Lainie needs a good night's sleep tonight because she has gymnastics early in the morning.")(even on days when she had swimming on that same morning).
So, today, Seth is taking apart beds, reassembling them into their bunk bed form, we're sorting out clothing and closets, deciding what will stay downstairs and where desks will end up (Lainie is giving hers to Bryson, since both of the girls technically have two right now, and Lainie never uses the one in her bedroom), and we're repurposing bookshelves. And tonight, my kids will sleep where I like them sleeping...all on the same floor as me and on mattresses. Maybe. We'll see were Bryson ends up tonight. :)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Simple Woman's Daybook, July 6, 2010
Outside my window...it is already 93, with the promise of about 96. These are the days I can't explain how grateful I am for air conditioning.
I am thinking... that my parents should live much closer. and be here much more often.
I am thankful for... weekends which allow me to mellow, and sleep, and work out, and watch my children, and sit/swim/lay/read in the sun.
I am wearing... a dark brown bloused t-shirty-type-thing, khaki shorts. eventually to be replaced by a swimsuit. :)
I am remembering... how different last fouth of July weekend felt...and so thankful to be settled and in less turmoil.
I am creating... forever memories.
I am going... to put my children to bed for naps in 14 minutes.
I am reading... Rendezvous with Rama.
I am hoping... to accomplish much this week. and finally find a routine for the summer.
On my mind... opportunities and responsibilities.
From the learning rooms... a relative amount of order...with (ahem) a tiny bit of chaos. summer reading program in full swing. mostly.
Noticing that... the more time my children spend outside when it's 98, the more quickly they fall asleep at night. no matter where they sleep.
From the kitchen... yesterday, determined that i will never make shortcake again. cake with no oil. that's the way to go. started out as a mistake...didn't end that way. :)
Around the house... the girls are "judging" a "fashion show" on yoville. bryson is sulking about the nap. and the house...will wait until naptime to be tackled. it needs tackling
One of my favorite things... the smell of real vanilla throughout my house.
Praying for... answers.
A few plans for the week... two swim meets, a horse lesson, gumpaste calla lilies, gerber daisies, and hydrangeas to begin for two cakes due in two weeks...
For more info or to get involved by writing your own Simple Woman's Daybook, CLICK HERE.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Having a rough day?
Go here:
nienie dialogues
Yesterday, I needed sunshine. Today, this gives me perspective. My rough day seems...so much more tolerable when I realize how much rougher it could be.
nienie dialogues
Yesterday, I needed sunshine. Today, this gives me perspective. My rough day seems...so much more tolerable when I realize how much rougher it could be.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Things to be glad about...
Do you remember Pollyanna? I watched that movie so many times as a young teen...probably because for the two years we lived in Allentown, we actually had Disney channel, and it played constantly...and we didn't exactly get out to the movies very often while Dad was in college. I remember thinking how I could see Pollyanna's point...that even in the hardest times, you could always find something to be glad about. In my eternal optimism, my chipper attitude, my innocence...it was a lot easier then to find the "glad." I remember at the beginning of the movie...when all of the grown-ups were annoyed with her happiness...wondering how people could be so negative.
I'm not having a "figure out what there is to be glad about" kind of day. I feel an awful lot like Angelica. Before she got happy. And this has happened too often lately.
So, today, I will force myself to dwell upon sunshine. Here's my list of what I can be glad about:
-Healthy, active, intelligent, beautiful, loving kids.
-Full tummies.
-Full pantry. Fridge. Freezer. And we haven't been shopping in two weeks.
-Air. Conditioning.
-Getting paid to do what I love. And getting more calls to do it all the time.
-A disastrous playroom. Covered in toys and the remnants of make-believe.
-Text messages that make me laugh. Hard.
-A full craft cabinet. Which I haven't stocked since Christmas. :) And the children rediscovered today.
-Too many games.
-Cooler temps...and a breeze. :) Great sleeping weather.
-Well-worn furniture and a new mattress.
-Sirius Radio and lots of new summer music.
-Seasonal fruits and veggies. Let's hear it for STRAWBERRIES!!!
-A functioning, just-the-right-amount-of-warm, in-ground pool.
-A house that stays within 20 minutes of company condition. ;)
-Four bedrooms. And the fact that more often than not, only two of them are used for sleeping.
-P90X. (You knew I had to include that somewhere in this list, right?)
-Creative brides. Who let me play with their cake designs.
-Friends who listen to me ramble. About mundane, completely unimportant things.
-Grace and forgiveness. Which I struggle to accept, but know are available.
-My dishwasher.
-The neighbor's yummy smelling fabric softener which wafts through my open kitchen window. :)
-Summer sports that wear my kids out. And make them tan and happy.
-The opportunity to read and think while summer sports wear my kids out. :)
-Excessive use of smiley faced emoticons.
-A cell phone that makes me smile. It's completely unnecessary, but it's fun.
So many more things come to mind. I've left this open all day to add as I've thought of things, and I know I could leave it open until I go to bed tonight and I would double the list...but I'll tell you, when I started it...I really didn't think I had that many. I have gotten bogged down in the junk. And there's plenty of junk, too...but if I focus on that junk...I forget...all of that stuff up there. And the junk is overwhelming. But the good stuff...that's where I want to live.
I think I'll work on a mental list. Starting...now.
I'm not having a "figure out what there is to be glad about" kind of day. I feel an awful lot like Angelica. Before she got happy. And this has happened too often lately.
So, today, I will force myself to dwell upon sunshine. Here's my list of what I can be glad about:
-Healthy, active, intelligent, beautiful, loving kids.
-Full tummies.
-Full pantry. Fridge. Freezer. And we haven't been shopping in two weeks.
-Air. Conditioning.
-Getting paid to do what I love. And getting more calls to do it all the time.
-A disastrous playroom. Covered in toys and the remnants of make-believe.
-Text messages that make me laugh. Hard.
-A full craft cabinet. Which I haven't stocked since Christmas. :) And the children rediscovered today.
-Too many games.
-Cooler temps...and a breeze. :) Great sleeping weather.
-Well-worn furniture and a new mattress.
-Sirius Radio and lots of new summer music.
-Seasonal fruits and veggies. Let's hear it for STRAWBERRIES!!!
-A functioning, just-the-right-amount-of-warm, in-ground pool.
-A house that stays within 20 minutes of company condition. ;)
-Four bedrooms. And the fact that more often than not, only two of them are used for sleeping.
-P90X. (You knew I had to include that somewhere in this list, right?)
-Creative brides. Who let me play with their cake designs.
-Friends who listen to me ramble. About mundane, completely unimportant things.
-Grace and forgiveness. Which I struggle to accept, but know are available.
-My dishwasher.
-The neighbor's yummy smelling fabric softener which wafts through my open kitchen window. :)
-Summer sports that wear my kids out. And make them tan and happy.
-The opportunity to read and think while summer sports wear my kids out. :)
-Excessive use of smiley faced emoticons.
-A cell phone that makes me smile. It's completely unnecessary, but it's fun.
So many more things come to mind. I've left this open all day to add as I've thought of things, and I know I could leave it open until I go to bed tonight and I would double the list...but I'll tell you, when I started it...I really didn't think I had that many. I have gotten bogged down in the junk. And there's plenty of junk, too...but if I focus on that junk...I forget...all of that stuff up there. And the junk is overwhelming. But the good stuff...that's where I want to live.
I think I'll work on a mental list. Starting...now.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Simple Woman's Daybook, June 28, 2010
Outside my window...it's dark and dreary out there, but we need the rain, and i'm hoping for thunderstorms. the turning-brown lawn is making Seth crazy.
I am thinking... that i should put off less and plan ahead more.
I am thankful for... air. conditioning.
I am wearing... white t-shirt, fun, floral-print summery skirt..
I am remembering... how simple (and busy) life was when they were little and wanted me to find things for them to do.
I am creating... an organized glimpse into the girls' 5th grade year to turn in to the school district tomorrow.
I am going... to spend the summer running children hither and yon. and making cakes. :)
I am reading... The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan. if i continue reading at the rate at which i'm currently reading, i might finish it by August.
I am hoping... that Lainie gets her optional floor music soon. she's had enough discouragement for one season and needs a pick-me-up.
On my mind... more than i plan to share in a daybook post.
From the learning rooms... cleaning! it has to happen this week. i'm going crazy. (like that's something new)
Noticing that... we can completely clean the entire house to company-ready in 20 minutes when the whole family pitches in. funny how that works.
From the kitchen... Mondays are totally pasta days...spaghetti or lasagna?
Around the house... i'm always intrigued by how the weather affects the mood...gloomy weather = quiet, still kids.
One of my favorite things... pictures of my kids. talented family members who share them with me.
Praying for... wisdom. amongst other things.
A Lyric or two...
It's hard to argue when
You won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it
Keeps digging my own grave with my
Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens...
A verse to share... And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 2:9-11
A few plans for the week... finishing up recovery week, starting Phase 2 again, sports with the cherubs, possibly having my family here to visit for the weekend (yay!!!)
A picture thought...
Aren't they gorgeous?
For more info or to get involved by writing your own Simple Woman's Daybook, CLICK HERE.
I am thinking... that i should put off less and plan ahead more.
I am thankful for... air. conditioning.
I am wearing... white t-shirt, fun, floral-print summery skirt..
I am remembering... how simple (and busy) life was when they were little and wanted me to find things for them to do.
I am creating... an organized glimpse into the girls' 5th grade year to turn in to the school district tomorrow.
I am going... to spend the summer running children hither and yon. and making cakes. :)
I am reading... The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan. if i continue reading at the rate at which i'm currently reading, i might finish it by August.
I am hoping... that Lainie gets her optional floor music soon. she's had enough discouragement for one season and needs a pick-me-up.
On my mind... more than i plan to share in a daybook post.
From the learning rooms... cleaning! it has to happen this week. i'm going crazy. (like that's something new)
Noticing that... we can completely clean the entire house to company-ready in 20 minutes when the whole family pitches in. funny how that works.
From the kitchen... Mondays are totally pasta days...spaghetti or lasagna?
Around the house... i'm always intrigued by how the weather affects the mood...gloomy weather = quiet, still kids.
One of my favorite things... pictures of my kids. talented family members who share them with me.
Praying for... wisdom. amongst other things.
A Lyric or two...
It's hard to argue when
You won't stop making sense
But my tongue still misbehaves and it
Keeps digging my own grave with my
Hands open, and my eyes open
I just keep hoping
That your heart opens...
A verse to share... And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 2:9-11
A few plans for the week... finishing up recovery week, starting Phase 2 again, sports with the cherubs, possibly having my family here to visit for the weekend (yay!!!)
A picture thought...
Aren't they gorgeous?
For more info or to get involved by writing your own Simple Woman's Daybook, CLICK HERE.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Swim Meet
So proud of Reasa and Bryson tonight. Despite only ever swimming in something other than our back yard pool (or someone else's) and only ever having done a formal stroke (or 4) within the past three weeks of their lives, they both dove in and swam their little hearts out tonight in their first swim meet for the Williamsport Waves. Don't ask me what their times were (or what they swam, for that matter. I stood in lane 1 timing every race that came through my lane with two other moms...we made good use of those stop watches, and at times, barely had time to realize when our kids swam), or what place they came in (interestingly, it doesn't seem to matter at the meet itself)...they don't care anyway. All I cared about happened when they got in the water and swam even though they were nervous and uncomfortable and nauseas. I told them they had to swim in the first meet, then we would talk about it after that. I don't think I even need to worry about that conversation. They loved it. Their head coach cheered them on and all of the parents encouraged and helped. I look forward to the rest of the season, watching them improve, figuring out if this is something they could stick with over time. Even if it's not...crazy proud of them. (Now they just need to go to sleep.) ( :) )
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